‘It was not an option for him to live in the Netherlands’

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Iris van Houwelingen (38) is the single mother of Iza (6). She is a children’s coach and develops quests that bring children into contact with themselves.

“Motherhood has awakened me. It was only when Iza arrived that I saw that my life was not in order. I followed her father Mike too much in his wild ideas, with the result that I ended up in a yurt in Spain with a newborn baby and we lived on my mother’s gifts.

A taste of rural life

I met Mike about eight years ago. I was thirty, and I struggled with the speed in the western world. I wanted more connection with nature, so I left for Malta to live and work in a start-up eco-community. In the community, urban people get a taste of rural life.

I met Mike, an impressive figure: big and tough. Finally someone my age, I thought. Turned out he was only 23. Out of a kind of anger at the whole world, he made the biggest plans. He was convinced that he could best build his existence outside of society. His self-assurance impressed me, although at first I thought he was very full of himself.

After a while I let myself be seduced by him and something beautiful arose between us. For eight months we lived together with other co-workers from the community. We grew our own vegetables and Mike cooked for us on an open fire. We built houses and made clothes, held yoga sessions and drum circles. Mike wanted to go to Sweden, that’s where his roots lie. He felt like a Viking. But first we would have a short stopover in the Netherlands, to earn some money and see my family.

Moving out of love

In the Netherlands I got back into my old life and discovered that I was pregnant. A baby wasn’t quite planned, but welcome. Living in the Netherlands was not an option for Mike. With his US passport he couldn’t work here and he felt useless. With our last bit of money we didn’t move to Sweden, but to southern Spain because life is cheaper there. I had a great time in the Netherlands, but out of love I moved with him.

We went to an exchange work project again. It was sweltering hot and the project was a mess. Not the best place to stay broke and with a big belly. We lived off the money my mother sent.

I ignored the fact that a lot of things in our lives were not in order. We had no stable income, no permanent place to live and yet I trusted Mike, he was so sure of himself. He often said that people would send him money, but they never did. He tried to take good care of me, but always chose the hardest path. We lived in a remote area, shopping took hours because he started walking, while he could also drive with a neighbor.

“We took beautiful walks and swam in the river every day, until it disappeared due to the heat”

But somehow we also had a nice time there, we took beautiful walks and swam in the river every day, until it disappeared due to the heat. We moved to an empty house, higher up on a mountain and a lot cooler. That’s where my labor started, but when it didn’t really go well I had to go to the hospital, an hour’s drive over bumpy roads.

Also read – Serap gave birth much too early during her babymoon: “I was lying there, in a creaky hospital bed in Spain”

Give up dream

Together with Iza we were then allowed to live on the property of Dutch people, in a yurt. In the meantime the weather had turned and such a tent is anything but pleasant. I longed to go back to the Netherlands, Mike to America. We didn’t argue, but we grieved because we had to give up our dreams.

“Meanwhile, the weather had turned and such a tent is anything but pleasant”

I went with our daughter to live with my mother, in Utrecht. Mike wanted to stay near us and went with us to the Netherlands. But because my mother couldn’t accommodate the three of us, he moved in with friends in another city. Occasionally we were together, but building a family was not possible. Mike felt crippled and really couldn’t settle here. I paid for his plane ticket to America, we never ended our relationship.

Live your own life

In the beginning I missed him terribly, even though I knew he’s not good for me. I completely forgot myself in this relationship, I followed him blindly in his adventures. Now I see that I was always on the run, including from myself. I had to find out what direction I wanted my life to take instead of following a man in his plans. When I became a mother I felt that I was not right, for my daughter I wanted to learn to really take on life. By living with my mother again and taking up a study, I had the opportunity to rebuild my life.

“I had to find out which direction I wanted to go instead of following a man in his plans”

We now live on our own, in a residential community, and I have started my own company. I can take care of myself and Iza. And most importantly: I trust in myself, in what I want and what I can do. We have occasional contact with Mike. He has since moved from America to Portugal and still moves from place to place. I hope he also finds a way to put his life in order so that there is more space for contact between my daughter and her father. She was born of our love and I want to hold on to that feeling.”

This article is in the Kek Mama Love Special 2022.

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