‘I went beyond my limits, just to do it perfectly in our friendship’

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Veerle, mother of two sons (5 and 3), was increasingly on her toes for friend Jeanette.

“Now is this what I want in a friendship? I wondered that more and more. The answer was clear: no. Jeanette and I have known each other for about seven years now, but it’s not really that big of a deal between us anymore. In retrospect, it was a complicated relationship from the start. She is very strict with herself, likes to remember everyone’s special dates or birthdays, is extremely thoughtful and gives gifts that are more than perfect. She also projects those high demands on others, which made me insecure.

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Perfectionism

In her eyes, other people could not do well quickly, Jeanette often pointed out. When she received a present that she thought was not perfect, she thought it was stupid from the other person to the bottom of her heart. She then complained to me about it. It made me nervous when I had to buy her or her daughters a present or send a sweet card. More and more I started walking on tiptoe and crossing my own limits, to make sure I would do it perfectly for her.

“A day later she came back to bring the game back, she didn’t really want any more games”

I once bought a nice game for her oldest daughter’s birthday. Jeanette reacted very enthusiastically on the spot. I had spent more money on it than I normally do, because I know Jeanette is easily disappointed. That didn’t feel quite right. A day later she came to return the game, she really didn’t want to see any more games disappear into the cupboard. That was very uncomfortable and painful. I had tried so hard, but she made me feel like I had failed miserably.

Also read: ‘The breakup with my best friend is even more painful than heartbreak’ >

crab basket

During my last pregnancy, I came home early and Jeanette brought me a whole stack of books to entertain me. If she didn’t do anything with it anymore, she said, I could have them. I chose a piece or three that I wanted to read, the rest I gave in a box to the thrift.

After a few months she suddenly asked if I had finished the books, because she wanted to make another friend happy with them. I said I got rid of them and Jeanette got completely upset. I couldn’t sleep anymore, it was so bad. In the end I went to the thrift store to track them down, but that didn’t work. Later I thought: it’s very annoying, but I didn’t do something terrible on purpose, did I?

Also in the field of motherhood I was carried away by her strict requirements. She found taking time for yourself, very outspoken, a sign of bad motherhood. So once I took an afternoon off to go to the sauna, I didn’t dare tell her. You don’t leave your kids at the nursery when you’re not working?! While I thought: they have a nice time there, I take good care of myself, win-win.

The bar keeps getting higher

I kept hiding things from her. In this friendship I completely forgot myself. I forgot that I am thoughtful myself, while I often hear that from people who can appreciate me. I kept raising the bar for myself because Jeannette did the same, even though it didn’t suit me. I think you can’t measure a relationship by gifts or thoughtful actions alone. That’s why I try to say to myself more often these days: I’m okay, I want the best for everyone and I’m kind to others. Exactly what I also try to teach my children: you are good enough.”

This article is featured in the Kek Mama Mombracing Special 2022.

77% of mothers in the Netherlands have to deal with mom shaming, according to research by Kek Mama. The editors found this so shocking that they started a campaign: Kek Mama is launching mombracing, the counterpart to momshaming, and calls on all mothers to support each other instead of criticizing each other.