I no longer felt anything for my husband’

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After a stormy summer in the Tuscan hills, Anne-Fleur (34), mother of Sam (5), knew what to do: divorce her husband Levi (31).

Anne-Fleur: “A mobile home on a huge family campsite in Italy, I didn’t know what to expect. Growing up in an expat family, I was used to traveling to Kenya, South Africa, Asia and other tropical places. But my husband Levi insisted: for our son Sam—almost four at the time—this would be the pinnacle. Freedom, friends; what more could a child want?

wristbands

The moment we arrived I knew I had made a mistake. We were given a wristband that made it clear that we belonged to the club and before we even saw our mobile home, we were approached by camping guests with children who wanted to be friends with Sam. I have a busy job. I didn’t want any contact with other people at all, I wanted peace and quiet. But apparently that’s how it goes, at a family campsite.

Levi felt at home from the first second. He spent his entire childhood on farm campsites, and staying at a five-star campground was just as luxurious for him as a five-star hotel was for me. I, in turn, watched in horror as the entertainment team danced poolside, recruited children for musical lessons and, en passant, alerted me to bingo later that night. A bingo – seriously? I felt like I was in a bad remake of dirty dancing†

Never in line

Honest: Levi and I were never on the same page about what was fun. Our backgrounds differed like night and day. I have a managerial position, he is a central heating engineer. I like jazz, he likes the Top 40. It shouldn’t matter if you feel connected, but we didn’t either.

I fell in love with Levi for his open-mindedness, he fell for my independence. My parents never accepted him, his parents didn’t understand what to do with a girl from my ‘environment’. All reasons to just closer because life isn’t about environments and careers and backgrounds, is it? Unfortunately, from the birth of Sam, when our parenting views turned out to be quite different, I noticed that things are different.

‘Just Hormones’

Four months after Sam’s birth, I developed postpartum depression. And as much as I tried to make my feelings clear to Levi, he didn’t understand. It was just my hormones, he waved my emotions away, and in the end, “that kid couldn’t get it,” he thought. I lacked any kind of understanding. Because of course Sam got something from it and it wasn’t just my hormones; I longed for someone to philosophize a little further about what was going on. Levi, in turn, thought I was rambling, even hysterical.

My depression disappeared when Sam was seven months old and I stopped breastfeeding. But then the separation between Levi and me was already a fact. I found Levi too rude in his language and approach to Sam, he thought I was a goat wool sock. I wanted to raise Sam consciously, with as much organic food, rest and regularity as possible; Levi secretly gave him a frankfurter at the age of six months and let him lie on the couch until ten o’clock during my sports evenings. I used to only discuss pedagogical issues with friends. Levi disappeared more and more into football.

For three years we doubted about a second child. I wanted nothing more, but wasn’t sure if Levi was the right man for that. Levi doubted I could handle it, a second—because what if I “got my head in the groove”—as he called it?

Also read: Sex in the awning: ‘How do people do that?’

Getting closer

Our holiday in Italy was intended to clarify this. To come closer together. To forget all the ballast of home and to be in love again for a while. To enjoy our family. Instead, I felt incomprehension when I saw Levi throwing joyfully into organized entertainment. He immediately joined a beach volleyball club on the first afternoon that trained daily for the big game, a week later. Sam quickly made four new friends and spent hours in the Kids Club. Meanwhile, I devoured one book after another, withdrawn into my own world. Although all three of us enjoyed ourselves, we were totally fragmented as a family.

“Are you on the run?”

We had been camping for three days when I came across Eugenio on a morning walk. He was a supplier and was just unloading his van when I walked by that morning. He caught my eye, and he winked at me when my gaze apparently lingered on him a little too long. The next morning I kept running into him. Until on the fourth morning, a week after our arrival, he asked in English: ‘It’s vacation, why are you running so fast? Are you on the run?’ That touched me. ‘Don’t be silly,’ I replied, and hopped. But when I ran into him again the next morning, he stopped me. “You haven’t answered yet,” he said. Half an hour later we were having a cappuccino and I felt a tingling in my lower abdomen.

Individual programs

We had a good time, Levi, Sam and I. After our separate day programs we had a drink together, went down the slides and built sand castles on the camping beach. The dinners largely revolved around Sam, who structurally refused to eat anything but fries and watermelon. Once he was asleep, one of us kept watch and the other was free to have a drink (Levi), take a walk on the beach (me) or whatever we felt like. We had gone on vacation to find each other again, but lost even more contact there.

‘There was nothing that bound us’

In the second week of our vacation, Eugenio once again held me up during my morning round. ‘What are you running away from so fast?’ he asked. His eyes pierced mine. And before I could answer, we kissed. Of course that was also an escape – I didn’t really fall for this man, but I wanted to get away from reality. Levi and I had come to a crossroads. Here and now, far away from normal life, it was suddenly so clear. There was nothing that bound us, other than our child. And Sam had a great time, but no different than if Levi and I weren’t together.

Also read: ‘I will go on holiday alone with the children from now on’

wake up call

Our vacation would last fifteen days. Eugenio and I continued to meet until a kiss got so out of hand that we made love. Very vulgar, in the back of his van. There was no stopping it, but at the same time we were both very realistic. This had no future. There was attraction between us, but he understood my situation. It was as if it was a signal from above. A wake up call.

Of course I was terribly wrong. And at the same time it seemed like it was all right. I felt guilty for cheating on Levi, but the mental distance I’d long taken from him may have been much worse. Plus, Levi and I don’t make love all vacation. We didn’t say a word about it, but there was also peace. I wasn’t in love. My encounters with Eugenio were rather therapeutic. I told him about my doubts about my marriage, my frustrations. He seemed to understand me.

By the time we left, we’d had sex three times. Super mistake, but also enlightening. Because that intimacy with another person also made me realize that I no longer felt intimacy with Levi. I loved him, but in his role as father to our son. I knew what I had to do.

‘That won’t help us anymore’

We were home for two weeks when Levi suggested couples therapy. His colleague had done it too and it had helped his wife and him immensely, he said. I kissed him, held him and said, “That’s not going to help us anymore.” The funny thing was: we didn’t need more words. Levi also saw that the differences we used to love about each other were now breaking us down. I promised to settle the whole divorce for the good of all three of us, and less than four months later we signed the covenant. Then the three of us went out to dinner: Levi, Sam and me.

New situation

It is now over a year later and Levi and I are still the best of friends. Sam is comfortable in his own skin and got used to the new situation very quickly. There are few tensions. Of course it takes some getting used to, me alone with Sam in our big house and Levi in ​​an apartment in a village further away. But we’re doing pretty well. My camping affair was not the reason for our breakup, but it did open my eyes. I never heard from Eugenio again and I never told Levi about him. It didn’t change the situation and I didn’t want it to damage the friendship that Levi and I still felt for each other.

This summer we are all going on holiday together. Ilona is also there, Levi’s new girlfriend, with her two children. We rented a house consisting of two apartments. Sam and I are in one, Levi and Ilona with her kids in the other. I am very happy with that. I grant my son the world and it starts with a solid home base. We can offer him that; I will also find a partner someday. Or not. It doesn’t matter, because we are already happy. Finally.”

This article was previously in Kek Mama

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