Excuses that went wrong: ‘Looking over the French Alps, I called school and reported my child sick’

The sweet innocence

Lizette (39), mother of sons Mats (3) and Shem (10 months):

“Two weeks ago I didn’t have a babysitter for my youngest and that’s why I couldn’t swim with Mats toddler. Since he already starts talking about it as soon as he wakes up and can react quite temperamental, I chose a white white that morning; i said the pool was closed and unfortunately there was no swimming lesson.

Later that morning we went shopping and drove by the pool. His friends with wet hair just walked out. “Hey mama, I think you’re wrong,” Mats exclaimed in surprise. I felt pretty clumsy. Mainly because he was so trusting and thought his mama had been stupid. To compensate for my guilt, he was allowed to pick out something delicious for lunch in the supermarket.”

How sad that we have to leave

Jill (39), married and mother of daughters Mila (12) and Tess (10):

“We celebrated Boxing Day 2019 in the cinema. Not planned, but to save my ass after making an excuse to my brother-in-law. The day before we had visited my parents and my husband’s and I had cooked extensively. I was overjoyed that we were behind us. Sounds unkind, but I was exhausted after a week of shopping, cooking and serving. This Christmas day was for our family: playing some games, sitting on the couch and eating fries and frikandels.

Only, at two o’clock my brother-in-law Joost was on the doorstep with his two sons. He came in ‘nice on the spec’ as he called it. It was his first Christmas as a divorced father and he hoped to join us. He knew we were staying home today.

I broke into a sweat and in my panic I yelled that we had to get out the door because I had reserved Frozen 2 at the cinema. My daughters were thrilled with this surprise and immediately changed into their princess dresses. Long story short: my brother-in-law walked off disappointed (profit), but we had to drive twenty minutes to a cinema that still had room and where the film was showing. My husband spent time in the lobby with his iPad, the girls were overjoyed and I slept half the movie.”

The pounds flew off

Lilian (36), mother of son Goffe (10):

“Our football team has a little boy whose mother never wants to carpool. She always has a reason why she can’t. I understand that gathering at eight o’clock on a Saturday morning does not make anyone happy, but I also don’t feel like always having to pick up and drop off her child. Especially not because he has ADHD and is quite cheeky.

“From now on, I’ll check the race schedule before I say something stupid.”

Recently she came to me again: could Bram ride with me? I made up on the spot that I went by bike, better for my corona kilos and our planet. She totally got that. Okay, then she drove herself. Once I looked closely in the app, I was shocked to see that we weren’t playing at home but away: twelve kilometers away. A bike ride of no less than 45 minutes. From now on I will check the race schedule before I say something stupid again.”

Happy meal, unhappy mom

Musetta (38), mother of daughter Nura (15), son Julyan (13), son Taegan (11) and daughter Ruan Auréli (4):

“I was out and about on our mom-son day with Julyan, who was seven at the time. In the morning I accidentally hit a pole with my car. I was shocked, but luckily there was nothing to be seen. I didn’t feel like commenting at home, because such stupidity happens to me often, so I bribed Julyan: If he didn’t say anything to Dad, I’d drive past McDonald’s on the way back. Well, he saw that. But we hadn’t even crossed the threshold when he called out to my husband: ‘Mama drove into a pole and if I kept my mouth shut, we would go to McDonald’s. I chose a Happy Meal.’”

Read also
14 Hilarious Lies You Tell Your Child >

Watertight excuse

Karin (36), mother of son Olaf (7) and daughter Eva (4):

“The shortest route to swimming lessons is through the red light district. I usually manage to distract the kids so they don’t look at windows to the right. Until one day Olaf noticed the ladies in lingerie: ‘What are they doing there, Mom?’ Not really prepared for this question, I blurted out: ‘Oh, they’re waiting to be picked up for swimming lessons too.’ To which my daughter Eva said very sweetly: ‘Now shall we take them with us?’ I managed to talk my way out and drove on quickly. Today I drive around.”

The brown color disease

Ilse (35), mother of daughter Elise (11) and son Mathijs (4):

“Two years ago, we spontaneously decided to book a week of winter sports on a Friday. A great deal came up that we couldn’t pass up. One drawback: we had to leave immediately and it was not a holiday. With the view over the French Alps, I called the school from the balcony and reported Elise sick. But after a week of full sun, I was completely blown away when I brought her back to school with the clearly visible ski goggle contours on her tanned face.”

Miraculous Healing

Nathalie (33), mother of daughter Lisa (8):

“K3, my daughter’s heroines, performed in The Hague. The holidays hadn’t started yet in North Holland, but Lisa wanted so badly, so I called her in sick at school for once. “Tell me you had a stomachache yesterday,” I said the next day. She would do that, but before she even got in she shouted: ‘I went to K3 yesterday and got a kiss from Klaasje!’”

in the act

Gwenn (34), mother of sons Rick (8) and Tim (6):

“The nursery was closed for a day, but I had missed the memo and had to return home that morning with two children. My manager had already given me a hard time a few times when I wanted off because of the children, so I called in with a ‘severe migraine attack’ where she wished me well.

The ice rink opened in our town in the afternoon. I took Rick and Tim with me and was so busy teaching them how to skate, I didn’t notice that pictures were being taken. Photos that were pontifically posted on Facebook. The next day I opened up the local news site at work and saw a photo of children on the ice rink, with me as the shining centerpiece. My manager never said anything about it, but recently she did inquire whether I always recover quickly after an attack. I quickly stammered about miracle pills.”

Caught in the bath

Lotte (29), mother of daughter Pippa (1):

“On my day off, I just took Pippa to the nursery. I was looking forward to a day in the bath, reading magazines and watching Netflix undisturbed. I told her teachers that I had to work for fear they would think I was a degenerate mother. But unfortunately Pippa suddenly became feverish and cold and so the teachers called my work. To which my colleague casually said: ‘Joh Lotte is having a good time’. Then when I got a call on my mobile asking if I could come pick up Pippa, it felt like I had skipped class.”

Ordered yourself

Paula (40), mother of Floris (9), stepmother of Kelly (12):

“New to my husband Paul’s family, I was blown away three years ago in December. I was cordially invited to his sister’s on New Year’s Eve, but I had to bring something tasty. Something culinary, that is. Apparently everyone always made a part for a buffet.

Now I’m more into ready-made pancakes, but I didn’t dare bring that up. At the local caterer I ordered stuffed tomatoes with seafood and house-made roulade with cranberry pate. I scooped everything neatly into golden dishes and bluffed my way into the family. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove one thing: the plastic inserts that the butcher had neatly placed between the slices of roulade.”

Oh, how’s the disease?

Karen (40), mother of son Levi (12) and daughter Saar (3):

“Years ago I gave Levi to my ex for a week of winter sports, outside the holidays. We didn’t go skiing that year because Saar was just born and I allowed him a week away with his father.

“My ex and I both had nightmares about it.”

Levi had a really sweet teacher who phoned after a few days worried to ask how he was doing. I had said that he had a serious ear infection, which happened quite often in those days and was therefore far from illogical. His teacher was very sorry for him, arranged a get well card and drawings of all classmates. My ex and I felt horribly bad and both had nightmares about it. We were terribly ashamed of the lie. A case once but never again.”

Take those hints too

Sunny (36), mother of son Jacco (13) and daughter Kim (9):

“All the hints I dropped, both subtle and direct, had had no effect. There was nothing for it but to make an excuse against the mother at school who the oldest had been in class with. She wanted to be friends and get to know me better. I myself had less need for it and I told her that I had a busy life and little time to meet. I had enough trouble not to neglect my own family and friends.

But she kept reaching out. Every time I ran into her in the village, I ducked. Until that time when I really couldn’t avoid it and she texted me: she wanted to come and see our new house in the afternoon. I made up that I wasn’t feeling well and brushed her off again. That afternoon I was sitting with my daughter Kim on the terrace in the village and she promptly passed by. So embarrassing. She looked at me very annoyed at first and then turned her head. Since then I have not received any messages from her. Then again.”

Him again with his big mouth

Suzan (38), mother of son Wouter (12):

“It’s not allowed, but I do it every now and then: just read or write an app in the car. I was literally two hundred yards from home, on a quiet farm country road, and texted my friend I was coming. So I didn’t see the police behind me.

“From the back seat he yelled, ‘Not true, you always do this!'”

I was put to the side, I had thrown my phone on the floor of the passenger seat in a panic. The officer wasn’t about to admit, “Sorry, sorry, I really never do this,” I lied. Wouter was completely tense from the tension behind me, he was about eight years old at the time. ‘Oh!’ he cried. “You always do this!” I got a ticket right away. I have really learned from it. Namely: don’t trust your children at all.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 15-2021.

More Kek Mama?
Follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Or sign up here for the Kek Mama newsletter >