‘Every year we go on holiday without children at least twice’

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In everyday life, Barbara and Mark run past each other, but the few times a year they go away together, they find each other again. And Barbara simply ignores people who have something to say about that.

Barbara (32), married to Mark (32) and mother of Max (9) and Koen (5):

“At 23 I got pregnant despite the pill. I was still studying at the time and suddenly I was going to be a mother. The pregnancy was horrible, I had HELLP (pregnancy poisoning, ed.) And the baby was delivered a month early because I wasn’t doing well. To make matters worse, I also got postpartum depression and spent some time at home recovering from everything.

Family life

When Koen was three months old, I picked up the thread again and started training at the Dutch Railways. Now I am a full-time machinist. Since Koen started school, I like working night shifts, because it makes it easier for us to plan our family life – I earn more than regular shifts and also get time in return. My husband Mark also works full time as a police officer.

Of course there are days or weeks when I think: can it be one day less? But I see working full-time as an important investment for later. I became a young mother, we will also be young when the boys fly out and we can go where we want again.

“It was precisely when we did see each other that we got into a fight”

Precisely because we didn’t see each other much anymore due to the many work, we started to lose each other in our relationship. We work against each other and therefore see each other very little. When I’m home, my husband isn’t there and vice versa. Just when we did see each other, we got into a fight. About five years ago we had long conversations about this: how are we going to reduce those quarrels, how are we going to solve this? I suggested taking parental leave, but Mark saw that as choosing the easy way out.

Time for each other

We talked endlessly about what we could do best and so we came to the conclusion that we should make much more time for each other. We agreed to go away together for a few days at least once a year. Because we may be parents, but we are still individuals. You really give each other different attention when you are just the two of you and away from home. At home, everything revolves around the children.

It may sound harsh, but when those kids aren’t there, another me emerges that has different priorities. And we all know: when you go on holiday with your children, you have a nice holiday if they are having a good time. Everything revolves around them. In recent years, like so many families, we went to a campsite in the South of France as standard. The kids love it there, but last summer Mark and I looked at each other and said: we’re a bit stuck here. That’s why we want to do something different next year, we don’t know what yet.

Outings

Since Mark and I decided to make more time for each other, we never go out for nights out, but we always plan our outings for at least one day and preferably for several days. We book a nice hotel, go out for dinner – and otherwise we’ll see what the day brings us. We plan these kinds of outings once every three months.

We also try to go on holiday together twice a year, but in practice it happens more often. Our holidays together take place during the school holidays, because there is no other way. In addition, we plan a holiday with the children twice a year, so we go away a lot.

“Being able to do what we want on a holiday like this, that’s wonderful”

Those vacations just the two of you are great. We don’t have to consider where the kids are and whether they’re having a good time. In the morning I don’t have to make a quick breakfast for the hungry boys or be obliged to go to a swimming paradise. We can do whatever we want, that’s wonderful. Last summer we were in Ibiza for two weeks and there we hung on the beach during the day and in the evening we went to clubs, dance and enjoy.

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Quality time

We really need that time together. I can’t say for sure that if we didn’t do this, we’d still be together in five years. This ‘quality time’ is very important to us. A night out for dinner is not much use to us, we really need a few days to ‘get to know’ the other person again, because we normally see each other so little. We find each other by doing things together. By making new, beautiful memories. One time it is by talking, the other time it is by going out for a very extensive and long dinner.

“I can’t say for sure that if we didn’t do this, we would still be together in five years”

Mark needs such a holiday with just the two of us more than I do. He then says: ‘Nice, those children, but sometimes they can also be away for a while.’ As a mother it is different, I think. In principle, I have less need for that, to be completely without the children. But I never feel guilty that we don’t take them with us. I do miss them sometimes, especially when they tell me they did something fun with grandpa and grandma.

When we are on vacation, I send a message to the children every day and we call once every three days. We want to teach them: you will not lack anything, you can go on holiday twice a year. But that also has a downside: that you have to work hard for what you want to achieve. It doesn’t come to us. I often work at night, because I get more money for that. That’s spicy, and that also means that mom and dad sometimes need a break together.

I look forward to the time when the children are old enough to stay home alone. Then a completely different period starts, that seems crazy to me. We dream of going to America and Bali together, without children. That is high on the wish list, but we still have to save up for it for a while.

Grandpa and Grandma

When the two of us are on holiday, the boys always stay with my parents. They are in their late sixties, so still young enough not to say: ‘We can’t handle it anymore.’ They really like to babysit. When my mother was still working, she sometimes found it difficult, but now that my father is retired, they find it only fun. My eldest son does find it more difficult now.