“Don’t your children come first if you enjoy doing something together?”

Ellen is a counselor in secondary special education, a thriller author at publisher De Fontein, mother of Lewis and Miles (11 and 8) from a previous relationship and gave birth to daughter Sophia with her boyfriend Nils in November.

Last week I wrote about continuing to pay attention to your partner when children are born. I think a fairly simple fact, nobody wants the relationship with the father or mother of your child to end because of a lack of attention for each other. However?

But I probably thought too lightly about it, given the reactions on Facebook that followed under the column. Not personally to me, none mom shaming in this case, but not everyone agreed with me. Arranging a babysitter and doing something with your partner is not something everyone can do happy by
becomes, it turns out.

Comments

I wrote about our situation. That Nils and I like to go out and fortunately have a broad network, so babysitting is often not a problem. That we enjoy having time for each other so much, while our kids are spoiled for an afternoon or evening with family. The reactions to it were different, but what stood out to me the most were the following opinions:

– Going out together and the children to a babysitter? No. The children are number one.
– You miss too much of your children when you ‘go off’ together. They grow up so fast.
– Children need attention, adults need to be able to fend for themselves. (Wow. Just… wow).

All in all: interesting material and enough to dedicate another column.

Not black and white

In the end we are all father or mother here (most of them then) and I assume that everyone finds a good relationship with the partner important and considers the children important. Why can’t both get the attention? If you pay attention to your partner and enjoy doing things together, it doesn’t mean that you neglect your children, does it? If you give your children attention, you don’t have to lose sight of your partner and don’t invest in your relationship (this applies to both the man and the woman)? Is your attention for your partner or for your children? It’s not that black and white, is it? Because one does not exclude the other. Can’t it go hand in hand? Attention to all? Doesn’t a family thrive on that fine symbiosis?

I do understand that not everyone has a large network, has the money or has the type of child to really go out. To arrange a babysitter and a night at the cinema. But you can also give each other attention in other ways, right? Plan a nice evening at home, cook together
or order good food. Put the phones aside for a while, talk and listen to each other. It can be so simple but the effect is great. That is also paying attention to your partner. In the end, the column was about that. Don’t lose sight of each other when children come.

But suppose you do going out are, like us … are your children not number one, because you enjoy doing something together? Can’t you have a nice day with your kids, put them to bed and then go out for the night? Then you divide your attention well and you don’t miss anything.

“Aren’t your children number one, because you enjoy doing something together?”

The base

And yes, they grow up fast, but not that fast. Can your baby suddenly talk or walk in those few hours you’re gone? Do you miss an important milestone when you’ve been out for dinner? We are not talking about a half-year holiday, but about an occasional evening or afternoon. Also
if you regularly do something with your partner and hire a babysitter, you don’t have to feel guilty. What is important for children is happy, relaxed parents. So whether you get happy from the constant togetherness with your children or planning some me / we time every now and then, all fine. Bottom line is: don’t forget each other. You and your partner are the foundation, the basis.

“Is your baby suddenly able to talk or walk in those few hours you’re gone?”

Look, taking care of children takes a lot of time. A lot of time. I know, i have three. It is precisely then that it is important that you are a team and do a proportionate amount. Divide the tasks, help each other, don’t let one do all the work. Don’t complain that you don’t get attention because the other person is so busy with the household and the children. A relationship is not a one-way street and investing in each other has to come from both sides. No child benefits if you lose each other and it ends in a divorce. In fact, you should put your family first. You and your partner included. Care together, enjoy together. However?

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