Jessie Jazz Vuijk about pregnancy: ‘I’m learning to lean more on Kaj’

How do you feel?
“I’m really looking forward to everything, I’m full of energy and I feel very creative. That was different in the first trimester. I had few physical complaints, but a very heavy feeling when I woke up. Everything was too much, bordering on depressing. I organized an event during that period. Normally I really like that, but now I was crying on the phone. “We have to cancel it, it won’t work out.” I was so busy with everything. We don’t know you like that at all, I heard. Neither do I myself. Of course you know that you are pregnant, full of hormones, that it is part of it. And yet I found it an intense period. Around twelve weeks I suddenly woke up without that heavy feeling. Now I want to organize everything down to the last detail.”

What does that look like?
“Everything has to change. I suddenly see that very clearly. Before this I thought I had everything well arranged, but actually I worked way too much. I was always available for work, didn’t manage my time at all. My life was actually arranged for me. I don’t want that anymore. I want to organize my own time, enjoy the pregnancy and certainly the birth. If there is a way for a woman to experience your own power… it is with giving birth. I am really looking forward to that adventure.”

How do you envision that adventure?
“In Spain it quickly becomes very medical: women already have an epidural during their first contraction. I see it differently for myself. I want to make it a very special experience, at home. I have already put together a very nice team: a Dutch midwife who comes over for a month and a Spanish doula from whom I receive good guidance. I have already made contacts in the hospital. Suppose I have to go to the hospital, they already know who I am there. So well prepared, I am sure it will be a great experience.”

It all started with a pregnancy test that you first thought was negative. What went through your mind when you saw that second line?
“I was shocked. I had taken the test the day before and was hopeful. I had been feeling strange for days, my period didn’t come and my breasts were sensitive. Yet I only saw one line. After a minute I put the test away, slightly disappointed. The next morning, when I wanted to clean up the test, I suddenly saw a second line. You don’t believe that, do you?”

You had a miscarriage last year. What did that do to you?
“The moment I lost the fetus was especially physically very intense. I just couldn’t stop it, it had to go. I found that very strange to experience. Very sad, of course. Yet I also quickly felt very strongly that this part of the plan used to be. My father died that same week, I wouldn’t have wanted to go through that while pregnant. Now I could dive completely into that sadness without my baby feeling it.”

“My father died that same week, I would not have wanted to go through that while pregnant”

On Instagram, you wrote to Kaj, “There is not a man on earth I would rather go through this with. Not a man I’d rather think of as my child’s father.’ Did the loss bring you closer together?
“After that we felt even more strongly how much we wanted a child together. Now there is not a fiber in my body that doubts that Kaj should be the father of my child. Since I’m pregnant I’m more clingy and dependent on him. I need him much more. That’s new to me – I was raised very independently – but I really enjoy it. I’ve delved into male-female dynamics and am starting to rediscover myself and my relationship. Through the pregnancy I am learning to lean and trust more and that is a wonderful process.”

“Now there is not a fiber in my body that doubts whether Kaj should be the father of my child”

You thought it was going to be a girl, the confetti cannon shot during the gender reveal really blue papers.
“Haha, yes, it really felt like we were having a girl, but when we saw that it was a boy, it immediately made sense. That’s how life is: you can think of anything, but things often turn out differently. We already had a girl’s name, the boy’s name we immediately came up with the evening after gender reveal. Kaj came up with that name years ago, but I didn’t feel it yet. That night, yes. The name is just right, our friends and family think so too. In our inner circle we already call the baby by name, that is very common in Spain. And extra fun, that way it will come to life even more.”

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Do you still have crazy cravings?
“Nutella! I had never eaten that, even as a child. Now there is always a jar in the house and I eat a cracker every day on which I spread a very thick layer. I really have to stop myself from eating ten right away. Vegetables are difficult to go in, I really have to force that.”

What kind of mother are you going to be?
“It can go either way for me: or I become one of those mothers who still breastfeed while my child has long been able to run. That people think: geez, that long? How exaggerated, haha. Or a mother who thinks after a month or two: it would be nice to take you to grandma’s for a few hours and do my own thing. I have both sides, so I am very curious.”