‘I sometimes ask my children how I can be a better mom for them’

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Ester (37), operating assistant, mother of Milou (4) and Nathan (2):

“I would describe my parenting style as ‘child-oriented’, with an emphasis on authenticity. My children are allowed to make their own decisions as much as possible, provided that this does not harm them or the world around them. I guide, explain and stimulate, but Milou and Nathan make their own choices.

Autonomy

In my own childhood I did not learn to follow my heart. My mom was super sweet and well-intentioned, but she thought I was happiest when I was among the hottest girls, when I went to college and had creative hobbies. The things I did didn’t make me happy, but apparently that was my fault. It took me years of self-development through yoga and meditation to discover my own passions.

“What remains of a personality if we take all the spontaneity out of a child?”

To prevent my children from having to follow the same difficult path, I give them a lot of autonomy. I let them be themselves, even if that means dancing in the middle of the bread department in the supermarket or wearing an orange King’s Day dress to Christmas dinner. Why wouldn’t that be normal? What remains of a personality if we take all the spontaneity out of a child?

Sleep side by side

Nathan recently stopped wanting to take an afternoon nap. I explained to him that it would be better for him if he did get some sleep; he might not be tired now, but he wouldn’t feel well rested when he woke up tomorrow. But he didn’t want it anyway. That’s okay then.

My husband and I take turns sleeping with a child for the same reasons. They don’t like being alone. When I go to bed I lie next to Nathan until he falls asleep. We have put a double mattress in his room especially for this. If he doesn’t feel like going to bed at night, I tell Mom that she would like to sleep and ask him to sing me a song and cuddle up to me. Works great, it is usually so under sail. Our daughter usually gets into our bed between twelve and two at night and then lies next to the parent who is not with Nathan that night.

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Within reach

On the one hand, it limits us. It is tough after a night shift and in the summer you would rather sit in the garden with a drink than watch in a children’s room, but on the other hand we give them safety; when they dream, mom or dad is always within reach. And I also enjoy lying next to them.

I think it’s sad when a baby or toddler is put alone in such a crib with bars. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but I think it’s like putting them in a cage. I have never followed advice such as ‘let it cry’. That just cuts right through my heart. I have always picked up my children immediately when they were sad.

Indicate boundaries

I also dislike naughty chairs or punishments. I believe that children themselves know the difference between right and wrong. I prefer to talk to them about their behavior. When Nathan and Milou have a fight, I explain that it doesn’t feel good for Milou when Nathan hits her. And that she may indicate her limits by shouting ‘stop, I don’t want it’.

I myself have sometimes been so off balance that I shouted: ‘If you don’t shut up now, I’ll throw the toys away!’ I came back to that later and apologized: “Sorry. It had become too much for Mom, I could have handled this differently.’ I think they just learn from that. That adults also make mistakes and that that is human. I am open to their feedback and sometimes ask them how I can be a better mom for them.

When I tell others about our upbringing, it is often thought that we create monsters out of children. But the opposite is true. Milou and Nathan are very sweet. I hardly need to get angry. I think it’s the other way around; the more you decide unnecessarily for your children, the more resistance they offer.”

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