“I didn’t know if we would ever have a baby together again”
Image: Valerie Visschedijk
Eline is married to Bas, star mom of Louie * and is now 38 weeks pregnant with the second. In this column she talks about her pregnancy after loss and everything that comes with it. This time over the past 9 months.
‘I don’t know if I’ll ever dare to get pregnant again’, is what I say to Bas while we’re in the elevator of the Radboud hospital in Nijmegen. It’s a few hours after Louie passed away and I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. Bas puts an arm around me and is silent. It’s the beep of the elevator that pierces the silence.
A new pregnancy
That statement came straight from my broken heart and I honestly didn’t know if we would ever have another child together. Would I dare to get pregnant again. To open my heart and attach myself once again to such a little lump of love in my stomach. With the thought that I could lose it again…
And now look at us! By now I’m tapping the 38 weeks on the pregnancy counter, I can barely see my toes and my belly has the size of skippy ball. Sometimes I have to pinch myself when I stand in front of the mirror: 38 weeks pregnant with the second?! I really couldn’t have imagined it months ago.
Read also – Pregnant after loss: ‘When I saw the blue cross, I knew this pregnancy would be different’ >
Magic moments
It was extremely exciting at times, quite a few tears have been shed in the past nine months and the mourning for Louie sometimes hit hard again. But still… I wouldn’t have wanted to miss it for the world. Besides the tension, my pregnancy was – literally – full of beautiful moments.
The pink line on the pregnancy test, telling the baby news to our loved ones on Louie’s first birthday, hearing the heartbeat, my slowly growing belly, the endless kicking on the couch at night, fantasizing about baby names, all the ultrasounds … I enjoyed it so much.
Mother’s love
Partly because of a beautiful statement that a midwife made just after I discovered I was pregnant. ‘Imagine hey, in the worst case scenario, that things go wrong again, then you would also like to have loved this child and that this child has felt your mother’s love?’
She was right. I had no idea how this pregnancy would turn out, but I did have the choice of how I would deal with it. I could brace myself for anything that might happen or I could enjoy all the beautiful moments that would occur. Moments that no one would ever take away from me. Whatever would happen.
Believe in love
I wish that for every parent. Partly because of my work for NEL, I know that there are many more parents who have lost a child and are pregnant again or have the wish. I would like to say to all these parents: keep believing in love. I know better than anyone how exciting it can be, but I also know that it can bring you so incredibly much beauty!
The big countdown
I am very grateful that I dared to do it again together with Bas. That I was allowed to be pregnant for nine months and that we will now hold our little one in our arms very soon. The big countdown is now really starting, but until then I enjoy the kicking, my bulging belly and the baby so close to my heart.
