Share tasks fairly with your partner? That’s how you handle it

Making sandwiches, racing to the sports club, shopping, making dentist appointments, collecting toilet rolls for a craft project: the list of parenting tasks is endless. How do you divide those tasks equally? We talked about it with Ragna Heidweiller, coach, trainer and author of the Workbook for the ideal division of roles.

Before you bring a child into the world, you may have it clear: all tasks – from household to parenting – are divided equally at home. In practice, that plan often quickly ends up in the trash, notes Ragna, mother of two daughters. “More than half of the Dutch couples think an equal division of tasks is important. Only a quarter of these couples manage to do this.” Not because they just mess around, but because certain customs and traditions are entrenched in our society. “Mothers are generally considered more important in caring for the children and men in providing bread on the table.”

Social problem

For many parents, Ragna’s first book – For better or for worse (but only if you do the dishes), which she co-wrote with partner Samuel Levie – a revelation. The handbook for a new division of roles caused quite a stir in households. “Women were happy that there was finally someone who put their feelings into words. They thought they were the only ones with this problem. What I heard from men was, “I wish I had known this sooner. I still have a lot to learn’. It is only when people talk to each other about an equal distribution that they discover that the problem is bigger than they thought. And that’s right: the unequal distribution of paid and unpaid work is a social problem.”

Daily hassle

Good news: men are doing more and more when it comes to household chores and parenting. According to Ragna, the problem also lies with mental burden, also known as emotional labor. In other words: having to think about everything, from dentist appointments to the neighbor’s children’s party. “The mental tasks mainly lie with the woman. Mothers know exactly what needs to be done, make a plan and then carry it out. Incidental tasks, such as arranging insurance or cleaning up the shed, are regarded as men’s tasks. Daily recurring hassle often ends up with the woman. You don’t see mental burden. People are not aware of it and that makes it difficult to break through the skewed distribution.” Resulting in frustrations and quarrels. “Women resent it and want help from their partner, but at the same time they prefer to do it themselves, because they think they can do it better. Perhaps you prefer not to let your partner dress the children, because they will probably go to school with two different socks. We call that maternal gatekeeping.”

Distribute tasks fairly

When it comes to that emotional burden, there is still a lot to be gained. “Men are good at ditching a job. Like: if you know better, you can do it yourself. It is therefore important that they take responsibility. This sometimes means that men have to sacrifice something in paid work and invest more in caring for the children. Women, in turn, are allowed to let go more and interfere less with how the partner performs a task. And even if it doesn’t go perfectly according to your standard, what’s the difference? You get a lot of peace and space in return.” Ragna now knows a lot about the ideal division of roles, but in practice things went differently. “When our first daughter was born, my partner and I wanted to do it equally. That turned out differently. Because he is an entrepreneur and I was still employed at the time, his work was seen as more important. So I automatically took more care of our daughter. Soon I thought: hello, this is not what we agreed on. This has to change.”

Ragna Heidweiller. Text continues below the photo.

Resolve bottlenecks

The ideal division of roles did not happen overnight. In fact: “We didn’t understand each other at all. “If you want more space for yourself, then just do it,” he said. But of course it doesn’t work that way. The other has to facilitate that. In a podcast he learned about emotional burden, and how much work and energy that takes. That was a first step for us. From that moment on he was motivated and willing to redistribute the tasks.” And that started with the search for solutions to bottlenecks, such as the morning ritual. While her partner in bed already started working, Ragna checked off all the tasks at home and then went out completely stressed. “We have changed the division of tasks and now we all leave the house reasonably relaxed. Such simple solutions are very liberating. The same goes for the weekly schedule. Every Sunday we look together at what the week looks like, what appointments we, the children and we as a family have, whether there are any bottlenecks and what needs to be done to make everything run smoothly. That saves 80 percent of the stress.”

Read also: ‘Fathers get attachment delay with child if they are expected to provide income’

APK moments

Suppose you are not satisfied with the division of roles at home. Besides looking ahead and planning together, what can you do today to change this? “Start feeling and taking your frustrations and discomfort seriously. What do I find difficult and what need is underneath it? Such emotions are not nice, but they tell us something. Then try to make a request to your partner without pointing fingers.” Such MOT moments are indispensable for couples, says Ragna. “Once you become parents, you kind of lose each other and yourself. Think more often about questions such as: what do I want, what kind of partner do I want to be, who are we as a couple, and what does that mean for the change I want to see in the world? Also think about your values. Do you comply? Many parents think equality is important, but regulation? Hey.”