‘I immediately knew this pregnancy was different’
Image: Valerie Visschedijk
Eline is married to Bas, star mom of Louie * and is now 28 weeks pregnant with the second. She writes every other week on Sunday about her pregnancy after loss and everything that comes with it. This week about the 27 week limit.
The 27 weeks. While this week passes silently for many pregnant women, it was a milestone for me. It was the term when our Louie was born at the end of 2021. Thirteen weeks early. Ieniemienie, but so perfect with his beautiful eyes and blond hair. For four weeks our brave little boy battled in the NICU, but unfortunately he couldn’t win over the complications and we had to let him go with a heavy heart.
New pregnancy
I expected that after his death I would fall into a big black hole, from which I would never come out. To my surprise, this did not happen. Yes, I felt pain and sadness, but above all I felt a lot of love from and for Louie. It was that love that ensured that I could stand upright, that I could enjoy life again and that I dared to go for a new pregnancy together with Bas.
From the moment a blue cross appeared on my pregnancy test, I knew this pregnancy would be different from my last. After all, a lot had piled up in the well-known backpack. I tried to focus on that as little as possible. If something came up, I would deal with it. Until then, I mainly wanted to enjoy the miracle in my stomach.
Shaky knees
The funny thing is that sometimes you think with your head that something creates tension, which then turns out not to be the case at all. And the moments when you don’t see it coming, the man with the hammer suddenly knocks on your pregnant belly. Take the 20 week ultrasound. There it was discovered with Louie that something was not right. You’d expect another ultrasound like that to result in shaky knees and sleepless nights, but to my surprise I was very relaxed when our little worm appeared thrashing on the big screen.
The 27 weeks, on the other hand, I found the hardest so far. In addition, I expected to be happy and relieved upon reaching this week. Instead, I had flashbacks all week, with what little energy I had I could just feed our four-legged friend her round, the tears flowed endlessly and the couch was the only place I wanted to be. It was mourning, processing and healing. All at the same time.
Gratitude
It was that couch on which I also realized that life cannot be planned. That you think that a baby is born at 40 weeks, but it can just be in your arms at 27 weeks. That you think you can’t handle something, but are actually stronger than you’ve ever been. That you think that certain moments will be exciting, but it all turns out to be not so bad. It’s life and I believe the art is to let go of expectations and let yourself be carried away with what arises.
“It was grieving, processing and healing. All at the same time.”
That’s also what I’m trying now with my pregnancy. When tears come out of nowhere, I let them flow. When anxiety sets in, I call my midwife. When I put my hand on the stomach and immediately get a kick or high five back, I can’t stop smiling. If I can stick my 28 week ultrasound in my pregnancy book after writing this column, I enjoy the gratitude.
The gratitude that we have already made it this far together…
Since the death of her son, Eline also runs a magazine for parents of deceased children. Knowing more? Visit www.nelmagazine.nl
Post Views: 0
