“Mommy, will you bring Daddy back to life now?”

Tabitha (43) lives with her sons Teun (7) and Willem (3) in Haarlem. Her husband was diagnosed a year ago: an untreatable brain tumor. A month later he passed away. How do you move on as a family after such a sudden loss? In these columns you get an insight into moments they experience. The first year without dad.

It’s Saturday morning and we’re hanging around the house. I do not feel like anything. The four of us often went to lunch in the city or on the beach on Saturdays, so we rolled into the weekend nicely. Now I’m just tired. My head is full and I don’t want to worry anymore. So I remember that we go to the pancake restaurant nearby, which has a huge bouncy castle. Then mom can sit down and the boys play (read: leave me alone). The boys react wildly enthusiastically and we jump on the cargo bike.

While the boys play nicely, I ordered pancakes and a glass of wine for myself. This is going in the right direction! There are of course many families around us and that makes me feel really ‘the widow’ at the moment. In my head I answer people’s questions: “Yes, I am alone here.” “No, I’m not divorced, my husband passed away.” “No, I’d rather not do this either.” But everyone is busy with their families and probably no one is wondering why I’m here without a husband. And, how often do mothers sit alone with their children on a terrace?

At one point I see Teun from the bouncy castle looking a little too long at a father playing with a young child on his lap. When he comes to me, I ask him if he finds it difficult that there are other daddies here? “Yes,” he replies emphatically. “Surely you have a moment like that every day?” He nods affirmatively. Since Frank is gone, I notice it too. How often the word ‘daddy’ is mentioned on the street, in a playground, in a shop or at the football field. It’s something that still doesn’t get used to and which causes a painful sting in my body. Let alone how Teun and Willem experience this. I tell Teun that I understand him very well. “If there’s anything I can do, let me know.” “Yes, there is one thing,” he replies, “to make daddy alive again.” If only I could, darling, I would have done it already.