“I have never had sex since my divorce in 2017. I don’t need it at all anymore. In any case sex was very difficult in my marriage. From my second year until well after my puberty I was sexually assaulted by several family members. My association with sex is therefore negative. I am struggling with PTSD, which makes every touch and intimacy trigger bad thoughts. I also prefer not to do French kissing or solo sex.
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When I met my ex-husband in 2008, I told him about my background. I also immediately said that sex was very loaded for me. Martin understood that. He was sweet and involved, but also believed he could ‘heal’ me. I had to get positive experiences first, then it would turn out all right.
In the first years we still did it regularly. Then I bit my aversion and passively underwent the lovemaking. Until my oldest daughter was born. It messed up my emotional life and made my hidden memories alive. I could barely stand my husband’s touch, my whole body protested when he tried to caress me. I started avoiding him. If we were on the couch together and he wanted to kiss me, I would get up quickly, terrified that he wanted more.
That didn’t work, of course. I loved him and apparently we had a good marriage. I understood that he had strong sexual desires, but I could no longer fulfill them. Because I felt that I was failing physically, I offered him an alternative to find someone else for sex so that we could continue together. He did. Unfortunately, that has also become our downfall. He found a sex buddy in our circle of acquaintances, only he fell madly in love with this woman. Now he lives with her.
‘I just really don’t feel like having sex’>
A new life
After his departure I built a new life with my children. I am very happy with them. Cuddling with them feels natural and I try to educate them as best I can, without prejudice. I tell them about the limits of their body and hope that they can have normal sexual relationships later on.
I don’t see that happening to myself anymore. I follow trauma treatment to come to terms with my past, but don’t feel any need to treat my aversion to sex. I find sex dirty, painful, nasty, but also unnecessary. I don’t need any ‘hassle’ on my body. I would like to fall in love again. I miss a loving relationship, an adult in the house. But the thought of sexual things being added scares me.
I hope that someday I will meet a man who doesn’t have to pretend a headache as an excuse. Someone for whom intimacy is the same as walking hand in hand, having deep conversations and the occasional arm around you. I only fear that this is a utopia and that I will be alone forever. ”
This article is in Kek Mama 15-2020.
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