This is how you talk to children about sexually transgressive behaviour

We have listed a number of tips from Dance4Life, an organization that is committed to unprotected sex and sexual violence among young people.

Immerse yourself in the subject

Before you start the conversation, it is of course important that you delve into the subject. What exactly is sexually transgressive behavior, what is the meaning of certain terms, such as victim blaming, and how do you know whether your child has (had) to deal with transgressive behaviour? You will find a lot of information on websites such as Dance4Life, Netherlands Youth Institute, knowledge center Rutgers and Huiselijkgeweld.nl.

Talk openly (and positively) about sex

Talking to your child about sex may feel a little awkward, but sex education is extremely important. And we’re not just talking about the biological side or its dangers, such as an unplanned pregnancy or an STD. It is important to also highlight the positive and pleasant side of sex. When providing sex education, the sooner, the better. But tailor the conversation to the age of your child. Also discuss the importance of giving permission, setting boundaries, and accepting those of another. Sex is only okay if both parties agree. A term that you see often now is victim blaming, which means blaming the victim. For example, by making comments such as ‘You also wore a very short skirt’ or ‘Why didn’t you say ‘no’?’ Willy van Berlo of knowledge center Rutgers said it clearly in the BOOS episode: “The responsibility always lies with the person who crosses the border, and not with the person who is affected.”

Stop with stereotypes

Boys are tough, girls are cute and sweet: a well-known stereotypical image. And sheer nonsense, of course. These stereotypes are also reflected in conversations about sexuality. For example, boys who have sex (by peers) are often seen as tough and girls as vulgar. In addition, boys may feel that they do not belong if they have not yet had sex. It is important to discuss these kinds of stereotypes and beliefs with your child.

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Set a good example

Of course discussing sexually transgressive behavior is important, but also take a look at your own behavior. Do you perhaps (unconsciously) make stereotypical, sexist comments or jokes? Then there is a greater chance that your child will adopt this later or see such comments as ‘normal’. In addition, it is good to take your child’s boundaries seriously. For example, does he not feel like giving grandpa or grandma a hug? Then don’t force him to do that.

Teach your child about empathy

Explain how you consider another person’s feelings. What do you do if someone doesn’t like a certain touch? How do you respond to that? Give an example, such as placing a hand on a leg or back. That makes it more understandable and tangible. Also mention the importance of setting boundaries and accepting other people’s boundaries.

Talk to girls and boys

You may have seen it pass by on social media, the quote ‘educate your son’. In other words: it is not about making our daughters more resilient, but about raising our sons. According to knowledge center Rutgers, it is indeed the case that boys and men in particular are guilty of transgressive behaviour, but it is important to enter into discussions with both boys and girls about setting and accepting boundaries.

Teach your child to talk to someone about their behavior

When young people witness transgressive behaviour, they often find it difficult to address a peer about it. By talking to your child, we can hopefully ensure in the future that people dare to speak out if they see sexually inappropriate behavior taking place.

Source: Dance4Life

Would you like to talk to someone about your own experience with sexually transgressive behaviour? Please contact us, free of charge, without obligation and anonymously:

• Victim Support Netherlands (0900-0101, Monday to Friday 8:00 am – 8:00 pm or via the chat on www.slachtofferhulp.nl)
• Sexual Violence Center (0800-0188, available 24/7. Chat Mon to Fri 4pm – 6am, Sat and Sun from 8pm to 6am or via the chat on www.centrumsexualgeweld.nl)
• Mind Kor Relatie (0900-1450, Monday to Friday from 09:00 to 21:00, or via the chat at www.minddoelen.nl)

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