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The teacher: ‘Lotte (10) is bossy, no one in the class likes her’

Lotte (10) is not comfortable in the group. She is not bullied, but she is never invited to parties or playdates. The few times she is allowed to participate in a game in the square, it ends in an argument. Her parents have their hands in their hair. They have had Lotte follow all possible social-emotional skills training, in addition to the tutoring she receives. Her grades also leave much to be desired, something her parents find difficult to stomach.

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I suspect that Lotte experiences a lot of pressure at home. When she was just starting school with us, she wet her pants from the excitement when it was her turn to read. From then on, the children also thought she was a ‘woodlouse’. The teacher at the time paid extensive attention to bullying behaviour, but it is difficult to break the dynamics in a group.

Bossy

I see in Lotte an average, excellent student. With sufficient self-confidence and some positive stimulation, she can easily cope with school. But that self-confidence is lacking, and that causes her to seek attention in a negative way. In class she acts bossy, to me she acts brutal. It’s her way of hiding her vulnerability. She actually craves friendship, confirmation and acceptance, but in that craving she pushes everyone away. My colleagues and I understand that, her classmates only see her negative behavior.

In class I try to involve Lotte in group activities as much as possible. Under my watchful eye it goes well and when we work on a craft assignment for the classroom, it is even fun and she jokes with the children in her group. Would it be better then, I think.

Until I hear Lotte say to a girl during the break: “And you are not allowed to participate, because we are already together.” Less than a minute later her group has gone over to the other girl and Lotte is alone again.

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Big mouth

When I express my concerns to her parents, her mother bursts into groaning. Lotte can’t be handled at home either, she says, and she is very vocal about everything. As punishment, she has to go to bed at seven o’clock all week and she is no longer allowed to watch TV.

“Would it help if you asked her what exactly is bothering her?” I try carefully. “I think Lotte feels very insecure about herself.” Father nods, mother crosses her arms defensively. “Lotte does not talk about her feelings,” she says. She does agree that the school social worker makes an attempt. A good move, I think, for Lotte’s parents, talking about feelings is clearly not an everyday occurrence.

To talk

The following Monday I see Lotte whispering to two girls from the class. They have The Voice reviewed and discussed the candidates. Ha, at home one sanction has already been lifted, I note with satisfaction. Lotte is not there yet, but the last conversation with her parents has given me renewed confidence. Patience, attention and compassion, that will get her there.

This article appears in Kek Mama 08-2021.

More stories from The Miss? Every Wednesday there is a new episode on KekMama.nl. Read the previous episodes here.

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