‘Since my husband and I no longer have sex, I occasionally make out with someone else’

“My high sex frequency is due to the weekly trips to my regular lover. I haven’t had sex with my own husband for four years, but he’s fine with me getting my sex drive from someone else. My marriage to Bert was once intended to be a monogamous relationship. We also had sex together in the beginning. Not great; Bert’s libido has never been very high. We did it a few times a month and mainly on my initiative.

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The first hitch came when I developed serious heart problems. I had just been Isabel’s mother for nine months, I feel very healthy, when it turned out that my heart was failing. I had to undergo heart surgery and then convalesce. My future expectations were low, cardiologists said. But after a year I recovered miraculously and my heart function was already halfway. After two years I dared to do everything again.

Heyday

Nevertheless, the number of times sex stopped in those years. After my recovery, we only did it on high days: on Bert’s birthday, on my birthday and the first day of the holiday. The last time, now four years ago, was not a success. It was lovemaking with only an orgasm as the goal, without passion. Bert gasped as if he was running the marathon, then turned and fell asleep.

Since then I haven’t moved on anymore, so we just don’t have sex anymore. Bert made no attempt, apparently thought it was fine. I don’t know for sure, he closed when I broached the subject of sex. In order not to end up in a brother-sister relationship, I made up romantic evenings. I arranged a babysitter, booked a restaurant, we ate, talked about lsabel, wiped our mouths, paid and drove home. Until I stopped after about six times. Eating out with Isabel was a lot more fun.

Lack of intimacy

Now that I was on the verge of death, I began to think more and more about the rest of my life. I felt like I was on a T-junction. The lack of intimacy, attention and love increasingly bothered me. I thought I was too young to be sexually dry. But I didn’t want a divorce either. Not only was it financially unthinkable, my illness prevented me from taking care of myself and the crisis had evaporated our savings and flooded our house. I also enjoyed the moments when Bert, Isabel and I formed a family. On the weekend, on vacation; we always had a good time with the three of us.

The only solution seemed to me to cheat. Preferably with Bert’s permission. But how did I find a lover? By coincidence I met Joost two years ago at a party. A divorced father of 39. I helped him with some parenting problems and we fell in love. One afternoon we kissed and went to bed together. Finally I felt desired and feminine again. Joost was a wonderful lover. After that one afternoon we went completely crazy. Reason for me to inform Bert quickly.

I delivered it almost like a business message: “Since there is no more sex between us, I occasionally make out with another man.” At first Bert was angry, frustrated and sad. But that was mainly in the deception, he was not jealous of the physical aspect.

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Going out to stay

His anger didn’t last long either. Finally we had good conversations. About what we missed together and expected from our relationship. Bert confessed that he had contacted a mediator about the costs of a possible divorce. But when she calculated everything for him and he realized how little he would still see his daughter, he tied up. He literally said, “I don’t want to lose you and so accept that you go out to stay once a week.”

That is now two years ago. Since then, every other week on Saturdays I go to Joost with my suitcase and often stop by for an afternoon in between. It has long ceased to be purely about sex. We cook, have drinks and eat together and lie intertwined on the couch. Bert hates ‘fidgeting and tickling’, Joost and I can do that for hours, while we watch series. And of course we also have hot, passionate sex on that weekend. A lovemaking takes about an hour.

Double life

Bert seems completely fine with my double life. When I call Joost, I never do it in front of him, I don’t think that’s chic. But he reacts laconically when I mark my sleepovers on the calendar and makes excuses for the outside world. It feels like we have an alliance together. My daughter also knows Joost, she likes him and this triangular situation is quite normal for her. When I pack my suitcase, Isabel is jumping: “Yeah, Mommy is going to sleep with Joost, then I can go to bed with Daddy!”

Of course I would have preferred if I could find it in one man. I can sometimes feel homesick for Isabel and Bert and be jealous of all the nice things they do without me. But in itself this combination relationship is ideal. With Joost I would never find the intellectual connection that I have with Bert. Joost is bald, covered in tattoos and a real branschopper. Bert is highly educated and the perfect son-in-law and father. My mother would pass out if I came home with a type à la Joost, but for sex he’s perfect.

Only: lately Joost has started to murmur. He is madly in love and would rather see me exclusively in his life. I get that, but he knows what he got into. I’ve always been honest. I will not abandon my family. For me it’s purely about the intimacy and attention. Very selfish maybe, but I love being the center of attention for a day and not just mothering and caring. When I had to stay in quarantine for three weeks due to a corona infection, I missed Joost and the sex terribly. ”

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you get a ‘fun package’ from EasyToys, including naughty toys, massage candle, lubricant and sex dice. Mail to kekmama.nl@dpgmediamagazines.nl.

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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