“I should have told him I had my IUD removed. We already had a very healthy seven year old daughter and a five year old son. Our marriage had been ailing for years; getting pregnant was the stupidest thing I could do. I just really wanted three kids. And now that my marriage was near death, this seemed like my last chance.
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The final blow
A glue baby rarely works, I know that. In fact, my pregnancy was the final blow to our relationship. My husband felt used and lied to. ‘So now we will have three children in co-parenting, instead of two. Tight move, Lène, ”he said. And how I was going to solve that with breastfeeding if I had to miss the baby for a week every other week, he wondered. Very stupid, I hadn’t thought about that yet. I already hated the thought that I would only see my children half the time, but that I would also have to give my newborn baby half the time was unbearable.
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After nights of deliberation
I realized that I really had planned this pregnancy just for myself. My kids were getting nothing except more shared attention during an already difficult period, and my baby would be born zero behind. After nights of deliberation, I decided to have it removed. The week I had an abortion, my husband and I met with a mediator to initiate the divorce.
‘I feel guilty and empty’
It is now a year and a half later and there is not a moment when I do not think about the child that was never born. I feel guilty and empty. My divorce is dramatic. Without the emotional aftermath of my abortion, I could have been better able to support my children during this difficult time. Now I fail on all sides, because of my own stupid fault. ”
This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.
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