“Before my marriage to Daniel, sex was a game of attraction and rejection. I was single until my 33rd. I just fell for bad men and by giving my body to them I tied them to me. In terms of content, we didn’t click, but I enjoyed the passion. Ultimately, of course, I wanted a stable relationship and a family. I went into therapy and then I met Daniel. He was a real good guy. A reliable, sweet man. I couldn’t take my luck.
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In the beginning of our relationship, when I really had to win him over, we had a lot of sex. But the closer we got and the more I dared to trust him, the less I felt like it. Especially after we had children and I felt everything: we grow old together. Our bond was stronger than ever. I was completely happy, but my libido had disappeared. I no longer feel the physical need, both physically and mentally. When we have sex, I lie with my eyes closed waiting for it to end. I enjoy holding and caressing Daniel. We often hold each other for a moment. Walking hand in hand, kissing, also fine. French kissing is not necessary for me. Then I am too afraid that he will be so turned on that he wants to get laid.
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Talking about sex is very difficult. It was only recently that I confessed to him that I had been released against my will for two years. I thought it was sad, because Daniel is not a selfish lover, it is not his fault. But I got more and more passive in bed and he noticed. I confessed that sex just doesn’t affect me anymore. Those were complicated conversations.
He has stated that if I don’t change, he doesn’t know if he can stay with me. Awful. I am terrified that he is leaving me. We have such nice children, a beautiful house and are happy with the four of us. I can live well in a sexless marriage, but not Daniel. We now do it once every six months and he thinks that is too little. He misses it very much, is very concerned about the future. We should do this, he keeps saying.
I feel guilty every night when I go upstairs and leave him downstairs. Another night no sex. We have a large mattress and both sleep under separate duvets, because I toss and turn. As a result, there is literally distance. Daniel no longer tries to seduce me, for fear of rejection. He hopes I will take the initiative, but I don’t know how. Once I tried ecstasy as an aphrodisiac, but that had no effect on me.
Personally, I really think I needed the part of conquering to feel excitement and that our stable, close relationship is the death knell for the passion. I still have a bad men sensor. I recognize them immediately at a party. I don’t do anything with it, but at that moment I feel exactly what is missing in my relationship: that dangerous sexual attraction. ”
This article is in Kek Mama 15-2020.
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