‘Only I knew that Daddy was leaving us for good this time’

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Franka thought she was happily married to Guus, until one day he announces that he has something to tell her.

Franka (43), mother of two sons aged 8 and 4:

“I will never forget the moment Guus walked out the door with his suitcase. Our sons waved him goodbye enthusiastically. ‘Bye daddy, see you soon!’ But only I knew that he wasn’t going to fly this time for his work as a pilot but that he was leaving us for good. With a lump in my throat, I closed the door behind him.

mega click

Guus and I got to know each other during our student days. From the very first moment there was a mega click between us. We had a great laugh with each other and soon developed a relationship that was full of beautiful trips, delicious dinners and beautiful concerts. The highlight was a trip to South Africa, which we would do again ‘once we had children’. Because after the study – as it should be – we got married and after that we had two beautiful sons, Taeke and Bas. I thought we had everything together.

Guus now flew all over the world as a pilot. It was logical that I was home alone with the children a lot. I worked part-time as a physiotherapist and found it very well organized. I wanted to be a mother who was there for the children a lot. And when Guus was home, we did the fun things like sailing with our boat. Our relationship seemed good too. When Guus was travelling, we made video calls every day. Our sex life was still fine even after 14 years. We did it regularly and also had a lot of fun in bed together. We didn’t do much entrepreneurship with just the two of us, but I think that was the case with many couples who had small children. And especially if the other has such a job.

In love with someone else

Still, I noticed in those last few months that Guus acted differently. He was absent and when I asked him something, he missed it. Christmas with family was fun, but Guus felt different. So different that I asked him if there might be someone else. He brushed off my comment and said he “needs some air.” And that it was not my fault, but him.

On January 6 it turned out to be different. We were hanging out on the couch together when he out of the blue said, “I have to count you a little far.” My heart skipped a beat. “I’m in love with someone else,” he said. I now know what it means when someone says the ground is disappearing from under their feet. It felt like I had entered a swamp. I also immediately knew: there is a life before and a life after this moment. We can never go back.

“I knew immediately: there is a life before and a life after this moment. We can never go back”

It turned out to be so cliché that it is almost embarrassing to tell. Guus was in love with a colleague, a flight attendant of course. The affair had been going on for several months. I felt sad and angry, all at the same time. ‘Now come with that! Just after those holidays!’ I threw him at his feet. “I know how much you love Christmas and didn’t want to take that away from you,” he replied. What a wimp, I thought.

I soon became practical and asked how he saw it now. ‘There’s the hole in the door or do you want to fight for our future? There are two little boys sleeping upstairs. It is up to you. But if you want to fight for us, you’ll stop with her right now.’ And I started asking all kinds of questions that only hurt myself. Was she there when we videoed? How many times had they slept together? Also in our house? No, not, but on our boat, he confessed.

Also read – Dad goes to get cigarettes: ‘Suddenly he was gone’ >

Therapy

Still, strangely enough, this evening was a moment when I felt that we really made a connection with each other. He talked like he hadn’t for months. Indicated he was confused but wouldn’t give up on us together. That he had to think. And that indeed therapy might be a good idea, as I suggested.

After an evening of talking and crying, I fell asleep exhausted. We agreed that we would look further in six months. The therapy is still there. It made sure that I especially took a good look at myself. I, too, would have been happy with our secondary relationship and the lack of real quality time together. My attention went to the boys instead of him and our relationship.

And although Guus assured me that he had also started working with therapy and himself, I should have known better when I found mud in his car after a ‘therapy session’. In his car which was always the epitome of cleanliness. I saw it, but I didn’t register it.

Divorce

Six months passed before I asked him what he thought about that holiday to South Africa. That was actually a metaphor for how he felt about our relationship. He stammered that he still had feelings for that colleague and that the affair was still going on. That mud in his car had gotten there after a “forest walk” he’d taken with her. It was then ready for me. I asked him to say he wanted a divorce, but he didn’t. Reluctantly I said, “Then I’m going to divorce you out of love for myself.”

“We both hardly got over our lips that mom and dad no longer go on together”

Telling the kids was the most heartbreaking moment of my life. It was hard for both of us to realize that mom and dad are no longer together. The eldest started asking questions like, ‘Can I stay at this school? Can I still see my friends?’ The youngest looked at us and continued to play with the Lego. I think we did well, but it still breaks my heart.

Two ‘homes’

The hardest thing about getting divorced is that I lost our future as a family. And my buddy. Life as I had known it for fifteen years changed. Something had to be decided about houses, about money. Mostly I was in mourning because I had to say goodbye to what I had hoped it would be. Standing together by the pool when one of the boys graduates, moments like that. We do this together now, but it feels different. Ever celebrated our 40th wedding anniversary together, as my parents recently did. When I stopped to think about it, tears ran down my cheeks.

“The hardest thing about getting divorced is that I lost our future as a family. And my buddy”

Several times I had to tell the children that mom and dad would never get together again. That Dad had moved elsewhere. And that from now on they have two ‘homes’. But it also took me over a year and a half to realize that I was on my own. I hired a coach to get through this and learned how to be not only a mother, but still a woman. I had lost that part of myself in our relationship. In retrospect I am grateful to Guus for showing me that. I have undergone retraining and now guide other couples who end up in such a divorce process, because I myself have benefited so much from the guidance.

I’ve dated another man a few times now, but right now I’m alone again. I am open to a new relationship, but I also have the peace to be happy with myself. And everything I do have.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 09-2022.

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