‘My stepchildren are sabotaging my relationship’

Reina: “Nice, I thought, when Fedor told me on our first date that he also had two children. I always dreamed of a big family, but when I got a divorce two years ago and a new pregnancy was no longer an option, that dream fell apart. The situation with Fedor couldn’t get any better, it seemed. Our visitation arrangements were exactly in sync: every other weekend we had a weekend together, the other weekend we had all the attention for our children, and during the week we could even go out together for an evening.

Open card

After six months, I introduced Fedor to my daughters. He lives near us – we know each other through a local dating app – and it became too tempting to secretly meet up when the girls were asleep. I didn’t want to think that they caught us, so we had better play open cards.

They clicked immediately. So good, that we decided not to put off getting to know his sons any longer. We were sure of each other and our relationship; how nice would it be if we could now and then meet with children on weekends?

Also read:
‘I love my stepdaughter as if she were my own child’ >

Lines

Fedor and I had it all figured out beforehand. Rules agreed. We were never allowed to play a parental role to each other’s children, we would keep away from interfering with the upbringing, because it was between him and his ex, and me and mine. We also agreed not to make a big party of the situation: this had to become the new normal. No throwing gifts, no turning every meeting into a spectacular outing. Nor should our children ever feel obliged to hang out with each other. Just because Fedor and I wanted to be together didn’t mean they had to adjust their schedules accordingly.

‘Good for you’

How naive we were. Because while my daughters were enthusiastic about everything about the situation, including two aggressively gaming teenage stepbrothers, Fedor’s sons had no intention of adding anything positive to the new context. When I reached out to his eldest son with a ‘Hi, I’m Reina’, he replied, ‘Nice for you’, and walked upstairs. If they knew I was coming, they would make sure the living room was filled with their friends. They refused to join in for dinner, thought everything I cooked was ‘gross’, played music so loud it was impossible to live downstairs, and snapped at my daughters.

Don’t live together

Fedor had been divorced longer than me. Their mother had been in a new relationship with stepchildren for some time, and things went well there, according to Fedor. Okay, the acquaintance may have been a bit quick, after six months of dating, but if we had postponed it another six months, the situation would have been the same: the first meeting was still the first meeting, and until then his kids didn’t know about my to exist. We didn’t understand.

Out of necessity, we decided to keep our time together with children as limited as possible. Of course, the kids hadn’t asked for the situation, and on our days without our kids, we got enough of each other. But we no longer dared to dream of a holiday together, and to fantasize about living together in the – of course distant – future. Even if it was practically that easy to arrange, with lives set in the same region.

To get used to

Fedor and I have been together for over a year and a half now. In the year I’ve known his kids, they haven’t taken a step in our direction, no matter what Fedor has tried in terms of conversations and reward agreements. According to their mother they just have to get used to it, but I’m developing an antipathy towards them. I feel like they are deliberately sabotaging our relationship. Because if Fedor and I can only see each other every other weekend, and one night during the week, and never go on vacation together, what’s our relationship more than a fling? Expensive of course, but there is no room for more than a city trip for two; my days off are limited and I also go on holiday with my daughters in the summer.

Free game

Because Fedor clicks with them, he is now considering joining us for the upcoming ski vacation while his boys go away with their mother. That’s how we get it organized. I am happy with his flexibility, but fear for the future. The unwillingness of his sons casts a dark cloud over our relationship. If he doesn’t move, it will be at least eight years before his children leave the house and we have free play. I hope we have such a long breath, but if there is an advantage to it: at least it keeps our relationship fresh and exciting.”

More Kek Mama? Sign up here for the newsletter >