‘My husband is cheating, and I’m fine with it’

“Eight months ago I turned my back on my husband Jeroen for the umpteenth time. We were in bed and I felt his erection. The telling hand on my hip, the kiss on my neck. I ignored them, as usual, and fell into a deep sleep. We haven’t had sex since then, and for the first time in our relationship, Jeroen hasn’t tried again.

I know he’s been cheating ever since. I see him smiling at apps on his phone. And he’s looser, more relaxed – more than he’s been in years. Our relationship is happy and stable; we are each other’s best friends and don’t want a day without each other. I recently outsourced the sex to someone else. A kind of unspoken agreement. He has his diversion, and I can go to sleep undisturbed. Without that restlessness every evening: oh god, he will soon again.

A moment in the shower

My libido has never been very high. For no reason; that’s just how I am. When Jeroen and I first got together, eight years ago, we did it once or twice a week. I really enjoyed that, but it was also more than enough. Jeroen wanted more, but respected that my needs were different. Our base is so strong, our love so great; our spiritual bond was much more important to both of us than the physical.

When I became pregnant with our son Joost six years ago, the desire completely escaped me. Part of the pregnancy, we thought, and just cuddled a little more often. ‘I’ll take an extra shower once in a while’, Joost said when I felt guilty again. It would be fine after the birth. Moreover: all young parents have little love, don’t they? So our situation was not that special.

Also read:
Carina (42) cheats and her husband accepts >

One of the many household duties

But it didn’t work out. Two months after the birth, three, eight… I just really couldn’t think of making love. I blame the hormones and insomnia, and Jeroen adapted to the situation. He grumbled a bit, because a year and a half without sex with your partner – that doesn’t appeal to anyone. So I sometimes gave in out of leniency. Maybe if I just do it, I’ll feel like it, I hoped. But nothing happened. My body reacted to his touches, but emotionally I was not there.

So we kept it up for a while. We only had sex once every two weeks, and not because I felt like it, but Jeroen was satisfied with it. I love him, I didn’t find it repulsive. It was more of a kind of duty that I obeyed. Just like I did the laundry every day, or changed our son’s diapers.

Porn and a toy

I became pregnant again, again we did nothing for months, and when she was already sleeping through three months after her birth, Jeroen once again tried to seduce me. Physically, there was nothing wrong with me except for some screaming breastfeeding hormones. I hadn’t torn, hadn’t flowed for a long time, and I felt comfortable in my body. But I couldn’t. I just didn’t feel like it no matter what I tried.

When Maud was about ten months old, I thought it really had to happen. So I gave in, out of pity. Jeroen was happy, and so was I, but I didn’t enjoy it. Not that I said that. We did try to make things a little more exciting. We watched porn, massaged each other extensively, went out for a romantic dinner and bought a toy. But I couldn’t get the switch.

Cheating is the solution

Our last lovemaking is now at least ten months ago. After my rejection of about eight months ago, something has changed with Jeroen. I suspect he’s on Tinder, or arranging flings elsewhere. Blame him if you always get ‘no’ from your own wife, so I’ll let him have his way. Our relationship is much more relaxed. He is no longer a walking lump of pent-up energy, and I go to bed every night with peace of mind. I don’t need anything anymore.

I don’t think Jeroen is in love with someone else. If he only takes the physical out of the door, I am at peace with that: I cannot give it to him. We could go to a sex therapist, but frankly I don’t think it’s necessary. I don’t want to change my libido at all, and would rather use a solution like this. We are very happy in all other areas. I have friends who make love to their husbands like heaven, but hardly have a word with him in everyday life. Or always go out without a partner, because their interests are so different. I prefer to share the spiritual connection, although of course that means we have to talk about this topic soon. If our bond is so much stronger than sex, we should be able to handle this together.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

More Kek Mama? In our discount shop you will find the best products and outings with a discount.