A year after her divorce, Annelize, mother of two children (8 and 6), met the man of her dreams. He only had one problem, she immediately discovered on the first date. “We had been out for dinner and had a nightcap at my place. In no time we were kissing on the couch. After a minute or so, he drew back, startled. “Sorry,” he said, a little embarrassed. I didn’t understand what he meant until he reached for his crotch a little uncomfortably: he had come in his boxer shorts.
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How cute, I thought, he gets so turned on by me that he can’t take it. But now we are married and three years on, and the sex has never lasted longer than two minutes. As soon as he penetrates me, he is done in ten seconds. Just when I’m just starting to warm up a bit. ”
He can do it himself
“He’s had it all his life, he says, and doesn’t know any better. Only with masturbation is it slower. Unless of course I do, because then it is so easy. We’ve tried an anesthetic cream once, but it didn’t work. Just the smearing almost brought him to a climax. I am used to it differently, and now his problem bothers me so much that I gradually start longing for sex with another man. When we’ve talked about it again, he usually adjusts his routine for a while. Takes more time for me, massages me, and pampers me with his fingers or tongue. So that I also enjoy it before he has his ten seconds of fun. But after a week that usually settles down again, and the sex only consists of quickies. ”
The good news: there’s something to be done about it, says sexologist Mandy Ronda. “Even if an anesthetic cream doesn’t work. Moreover, that is only symptom control, just like the antidepressants that the GP sometimes prescribes for this problem – while there is probably a completely different problem behind it. Many men think they come too soon, but only a very small percentage actually suffer from premature ejaculation like Annelize’s husband, she says. “That’s a condition where a man always reaches an orgasm for between zero and one hundred and twenty seconds, and it point of no return does not feel it coming. ”
‘I just really don’t feel like having sex’>
Mandy guides couples and single men who have to deal with this. “It often turns out that tension, fear of failure and performance pressure are the culprits,” she says. “And sometimes there is a hypersensitive glans, due to a shortage of the neurotransmitter serotonin in depression, or due to an excess of adrenaline due to stress.”
Take it seriously, talk about it, and seek help from a sex therapist, is her advice. “It’s not a diagnosis that you just get rid of, but there are a few tricks to deal with it. Switch positions more often, for example. And if he still cums too quickly, he can try to delay cumming for as long as possible while masturbating – so without performance pressure from his partner. This can be done with the help of breathing techniques and pelvic floor training. In this way he learns to get in touch with his body and to recognize when it is point of no return presents itself. ”
Recognizing that you have this problem is exciting, so getting help is brave, says Mandy. “It’s just how you look at it: don’t see it as seeking help for a problem, but as skills to become a better lover. ” And that makes everyone happy, doesn’t it?
This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.
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