“I think sex is a hugely overrated activity. I do and I think it’s pretty nice from time to time, but I’m not super enthusiastic. If I’m to believe the magazines or girlfriends, it’s something magical. With bizarre positions, multiple orgasms, fireworks, passion, passion and something with every corner of the room. I get tired just thinking about it. And I’ve never experienced those famous lucky fabrics either. Maybe always hit the wrong partners? Or maybe there’s something wrong with my brain or with my hormones?
I run decently twice a week, but have never really felt the famous runner’s high. With me running every hundred meters is an ordeal, where I can only think of my reward; when I can take a shower at home. Ditto for sex. When I’m off, I work as quickly as possible towards Bas’s orgasm, so that I can work with my vibo myself to ‘finish it’ and then fall asleep like a log.
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Too much hassle
Bas and I only do it once every three months. More like a seesaw from an oh-jee-is-it-so-long-ago feeling than out of sheer horniness. Certainly with me. If the initiative had to come from me, I’m afraid we’d never do anything naughty in the bedroom at all again. I barely miss it. Think it’s too much hassle. Too hot. Don’t have a breath. Netflix or my pillow beckons. And good? Oh yes, yes. But an evening with chocolate bonbons or paprika chips on the couch is also pleasant.
The only reason we still have sex is because it’s healthy for my relationship. Actually just like my running sessions: they prevent me from growing closed, deteriorating and becoming stiff. I have sex because I like to keep my man happy and with me. Even I realize that sex is a binding agent, the cement of our relationship. After all, I don’t make love with my neighbor or with a good acquaintance. That’s just belonging to my friend, it makes our relationship exclusive.
And again, I think it’s pretty okay too. But as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t have to be more than once every few months. We have a young family, both jobs, aging parents and busy social lives. We are already running out of time to combine everything.
With your own hand and iPad
Frankly, my friend Bas would like more often. Not every week, once a month, I’m afraid. He doesn’t complain, doesn’t force, respects my rejection. But I see him bummed when I say no hard, while he’s lying against me with an erection. I don’t mind at all if he starts working with his own hand and a porn movie on his iPad. I don’t subtract him. I think that’s weird. But I’d rather lie naked next to him, so that he can caress my breasts at the same time. Very occasionally I get turned on by that and it turns into a joint lovemaking or I participate in solo sex.
Something I also refuse is oral sex. Both receiving and giving. Another overrated activity in my eyes. According to sexologist Goedele Liekens, a blowjob is the gift to your husband; with a blowjob you show him that you love him. But I’m sorry, I think it’s dirty. The other way around, I don’t get warm at the idea of his head between my legs. So I categorically refuse that. Bas has no problem with the fact that I don’t want it, he says. But we don’t talk much about sex. We both clap quickly when it comes to this topic. I don’t really know why.
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Little sexual feeling
Bas and I have been together for twelve years. We’ve never had a very active sex life. Not even in our courtship period. I’ve always been a bummer on this one. I just don’t like sex. Again, I don’t understand all the fuss. As a young adult I had quite a few sexual contacts, but even then I quickly gave up. There is also no trauma or abuse experience, I had a normal childhood and I lost my virginity by a childhood friend who was very sweet to me. Even now the sex with Bas is fine and satisfying. He is sweet and not at all selfish in bed. Would rather have me cum than him. It’s not about that either. I just don’t feel very sexual, I think.
The only times I do enjoy sex immensely is when we’re dating a baby. I discovered that six years ago, when I stopped taking the pill. Strangely enough, I was the one who almost automatically felt like taking the initiative. Bass was thrilled. As soon as he got home from work, I dragged him into the bedroom. I think because the act then has a clear function; after all, we want a child.
Unfortunately for Bas, these horny honeymoon weeks were short-lived both times. With Bella, our daughter, I was pregnant after three months and six attempts. I tested positive with baby Job two months later. And once pregnant I’m a dragon. The first trimester is dog-tired and as soon as a tummy is visible, I don’t want sex anymore for fear of damaging the baby. So after the brief sex revival, Bas’s eight months of abstinence followed almost immediately. As far as he’s concerned, the baby making should have lasted a lot longer. We’d like a third. Maybe he’ll have more luck then.”
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This article was previously published in Kek Mama.