Mother at 50: ‘We never thought that getting pregnant would take so long’

Maggie: “For years I had a dream in mind: me, working in my dance studio, but with a baby in my arm. My baby, which I longed for and had to wait for so long. Of course I had relationships before Ghislain, especially in the art world; filmmakers and musicians. “Let’s wait a little longer with children,” they said. When you’re in your early thirties, you don’t think about the consequences yet. Also not about any complications, that having children does not happen automatically. So I threw myself into my work as a modern dancer, choreographer and teacher.

Oh I love my job, the freedom it gives me to travel the world. To go to the extreme, both physically and emotionally. And yes, as far as I’m concerned, children would have been appropriate even then. Only, I wanted to do it with someone, not on my own. It was a loss that I didn’t have a baby yet, but I always knew that one day I would become a mother. So when I saw a woman walking with a pram, it didn’t matter. I also loved baby news from friends; how nice that it was given to them. And that one day I would hold my own baby. Fortunately that day came. They do it after ten years of actively trying.

‘Older’ parents

No, we hadn’t really thought about the fact that we are older parents. Or the possible consequences for our children, to have older parents. Maybe that’s selfish, but we wanted it so badly. Both. Ghislain’s children – he has three from a previous relationship – said ten years ago: ‘What are you doing?’ We never thought it would take so long…

I didn’t meet Ghislain until I was 39. He came to take a dance class with me. “You’re in the wrong class,” I told him. He has been a classical ballet dancer at a solo level and thus more developed than the other students. But he insisted on staying and invited me for a cup of herbal tea after class.

On our first real date, we discussed the future. He understood that I wanted children. And fully supported me in that. In fact, as the years passed, he only wanted it more. Like me. I also got pregnant a few times, but it always went wrong. Even on stage once. Crying, with my face in the dark, I said goodbye to the fruit. Would life still have meaning if I couldn’t become a mother? But we kept trying, even though doctors kept asking me if I was already menopausal.

Alternative routes

In France, doctors are not really open to supposedly older mothers. They only look at risks and statistics. But I have always worked so intensively with my body and eaten healthy that I was in top shape. And I knew inside that I could carry a pregnancy to term. That’s why I didn’t want to give up and try a more alternative route in addition to regular treatments such as IVF.

Ghislain and I even went to China two years ago. ‘For the culture’ we lied to our environment. But we went for acupuncture. For fertility treatments and meditations. Unfortunately, that also did not have the desired result. And yes, after ten years of trying, we were almost to the point where we might have to give up hope. That maybe we had to accept that we wouldn’t have a baby. And then it turned out and I stayed pregnant.

two hearts

I still have to laugh when I think about that first ultrasound. The gynecologist saw not one, but two beating hearts and almost passed out. I myself was surprisingly practical: ‘Then we should move to bigger houses.’ Ghislain was in shock; he walked straight from the doctor’s office to a cafe for a double whiskey. To process the news. But of course we were overjoyed, ecstatic!

When the whole world went into lockdown, we were of course also at home. There were no performances, the dance studio had to close. For the first time in my career I had peace, albeit forced. That gave Aurore and Flora, who were born in October, the opportunity to grow and I was able to carry the pregnancy to full term. Well, I had to fight for that.

The doctors wanted to get our daughters, who shared one placenta, at 35 weeks, just to play it safe. I didn’t understand it. I felt great and was perfectly healthy, so did the girls. I managed to stretch it to 37 weeks. With lies, that Ghislain was out of town for a week for work.

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little understanding

Towards the end there was panic in the hospital; I heard worried murmurs, they couldn’t find anything. I was wildly shocked; couldn’t find a heartbeat? What was going on? But the big problem was that they couldn’t find a complication. No high blood pressure, no pregnancy poisoning… They weren’t used to that.

I was very disappointed with how little understanding there is for ‘older’ mothers in the hospital. And do you want to put ‘older’ in quotes? As far as I’m concerned, age is a mindset. I don’t have the body and mind of a 51-year-old. My husband is 63, and he dances in his twenties off the stage.

Whether motherhood is what I expected? The intense love for our daughters is even more beautiful than I could have dreamed. But I didn’t expect it to be this heavy. That I felt so vulnerable and couldn’t even lift my own children after the cesarean section. As a dancer I was used to my strong, slender body and now I had gained thirty kilos. I also went from an A cup to a double D because I’m breastfeeding.

And I always had tremendous stamina, but for the first week after giving birth, I couldn’t get out of bed on my own. I wondered if this was the beginning of the end. Because that’s how it felt; if I died. And I didn’t dare to talk about that in the hospital. “Do you sometimes have dark thoughts?” the doctors regularly asked. I didn’t see the point in going into a process for that, because I knew somewhere that that too was temporary.

Besides dancer, now also mother

If I had had my children twenty years earlier, I would have recovered faster physically. I know that for sure. But I don’t know if I could have handled the changes in my body so well mentally. During the first dance class after giving birth, I fell over halfway through a movement. My disciples covered their mouths in terror. But I rolled on the floor laughing. I realized that in addition to being a dancer, I was now also a real mother. And temporarily completely out of shape.

Of course I would have been a different mother if I had been allowed to hold my girls for the first time twenty years ago. Not better, not worse. Just different. I bring a lot of life experience into motherhood, that’s for sure. But I was also a control freak for fifty years and I had to let that go. Because with a pregnancy and newborn babies there is little to plan and predict. That immense happiness that overcame me when I first held the girls. The pride I feel when I look at them.

With milk stains on my pajamas

It was physically tough. Think of the ten feedings a day, times two, the first month. During that period I was really alive. I was too tired to think, to really function. I remember we had a visitor one day. Those people sat down and expected the hospitality they had come to expect from me. Ghislain talked to them, I looked after the girls and our guests; coffee with a slice of cake. But it became too much for me; crying, I stepped into the living room, with milk stains on my pajamas. “Can someone please help me?” I sobbed.

The shocked looks I got! Oh yes, there have really been moments when I thought: what have we started? That the girls were both crying and I didn’t remember either. And locked me in the toilet to cry too. Sometimes you read about mothers who just leave. I get that now.

Plan

Salvation came in the form of our sisters; mine and Ghislain’s. They took turns sleeping with us. At every sound from the crib they were already standing next to the bed. Finally we could sleep through the night and we didn’t shuffle through our house like zombies. And we were able to enjoy ourselves, because our sisters took care of the house and served us a hot meal. Otherwise we would be broken, I’m sure. Then we got Covid-19 with the whole family. The girls and I only had a fever, but Ghislain had it pretty bad. That was actually the first time that I thought: oh dear, maybe one day he won’t be there anymore.

My husband gave his phone and laptop codes. I burst out sobbing next to him; what if he really dies? You can’t hear that. I need it, the girls need it. For the first time I realized that we are indeed older parents. When they turn eighteen, I’ll be 68, Ghislain 81.

Luckily we are both top fit and huge planners. We have invested in real estate and our business. We both still really enjoy teaching, but if we want to take it a little easier, that’s also possible. That gives peace. But I really don’t see us as an older couple sitting idly on a park bench. I love to sit on a swing. But yes, you don’t just do that when you’re over fifty. Now with the girls I have the perfect excuse to do that. I’ve always thought that such nonsense, that you should behave and dress according to your age.

With a baby on the arm

In the meantime, I’ve had a few times where someone thought I was the grandmother, not the girls’ mother. No, I wasn’t angry. Of course not. Apparently I don’t live up to the image that some people have of a mother. Confusion all around. But I can laugh about that.

The girls are now sleeping through the night and so are we. We have found our rhythm, got through Covid-19 well and can now, after six months, really enjoy it. That vision of me teaching dance with a baby in my arm has now come true. They sat with their au pair in a corner of the room and Aurore was a little grumpy. I picked her up and continued my lesson at the senior year of our dance academy. Her toy fell, but before I could bend down, one of my students danced to the toy. In one fluid motion, she picked it up, handed it to Aurore, and again fell in perfectly. It was so surreal and real at the same time.

Those two girls, those wonderfully beautiful girls with their chubby cheeks and their own characters, are mine. I can keep them. I am their mother. And they are well worth the long wait, the grief and all the frustration.”

This article can be found in Kek Mama 07-2021.

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