Luzette had postpartum depression

Motherhood is incredibly beautiful, but also difficult and something that makes you insecure. Reading that other moms are going through the same thing can help. In this series, five mothers tell how they put motherhood into perspective, for example by reading personal stories.

What if you are very happy during your pregnancy, but once the baby is born, a pink cloud does not appear? This happened to Luzette (38), mother of Leilani (6) and Alania (4). “I felt like a bad mother.”

Pregnancy

The pregnancy of daughter Leilani went very well. Luzette enjoyed her growing belly and had few complaints. “When the labor started, I had to go to the hospital because Leilani had pooped in the amniotic fluid. There I got an epidural, so I had no pain during the delivery. That was very nice. The delivery went quickly: before I knew it, she was already there. I was even able to get my daughter out of it with my own hands. That was a wonderful moment.”

Issues

How easy the birth went, so difficult was the time afterwards. Leilani was a crybaby, the first year she did almost nothing else. “My husband and I were up all night. We no longer knew what to do with ourselves, we felt powerless. We took our daughter to several doctors, but they weren’t sure what was going on either.” They eventually found out that the crying was related to the rapid delivery. Because of this, Leilani had developed problems. For example, she did not dare to defecate and pee and often held it up for a long time. “My daughter was not well, she was not happy. She cried a lot, had a stomachache and didn’t want to go outside. Holding your urine and poo for weeks is not possible and unhealthy. Then I asked everywhere for help. My daughter had to and would be helped.”

Pink cloud

A year and a half ago, Luzette and Leilani finally got the right help. They received both EMDR therapy and family therapy. And Leilani got help from ‘the shit teacher’, as they call her. But because it took them so long to find the right help, the first years after childbirth were tough. “The first years after childbirth were very difficult. That pink cloud that everyone is always talking about was nowhere to be seen. Only gray clouds passed by. I was completely wrecked, all energy was gone. My husband experienced everything exactly the same as I did. He too was exhausted and didn’t know where to look. Let me first say: I love my daughter, my children are everything to me, but I felt depressed. I didn’t want to give in and just keep going.” In hindsight, Luzette was in survival mode for a very long time. Looking back, she knows it wasn’t necessary. But that’s easy to say now, a year and a half later. “You don’t know which path to take as a mother. It’s a big gray area. You try to do the right thing, but at the same time you do something. I felt like a bad mother for a long time. You want your children to be happy. If not, that’s terrible.”

Traumas

The EMDR therapy was intense for Luzette. There she found out that there was a lot more to her than she thought. She had contracted PTSD. “Many people think of PTSD as a serious incident. But for me those first years with Leilani were very intense. I was traumatized by that. I have had a total of eight treatments. EMDR therapy is very confronting. I had to process traumas I didn’t know I had. I had to process that very consciously, so I went through a deep valley. But because of the treatments I felt better and better that I am a good mother and that I am doing well. There is simply no instruction manual for a child. It has opened my eyes and I have come out much stronger. I can now understand Leilani better, in what she does and how she thinks. I can empathize with her much better.”

Also read: How to recognize postpartum depression

Relativize

By reading articles by Kek Mama, Luzette was able to put things into perspective for herself during the first years after giving birth. “I read stories of mothers who go through the same thing. Then you feel recognition: you are not the only one in the world who has this problem. You are not alone. When I read articles about this now, I empathize with the mother. I know how she feels. I hope they sound the alarm and seek the right help, because you can’t solve everything on your own.” Also, Luzette is honest about her experience with pregnant women. Not to talk them down, but she is aware that it can happen to anyone. “I want to show them that it’s not always a rose scent, but it’s okay if you feel that either. And that you come out again. Every child is beautiful, but every mother is beautiful too. I learned that through the therapies. I can now say to myself: I’m doing it my way and that’s good. We have grown so much as a family, I am very proud of that.”

poo party

“I now look at my daughter differently because of the treatments. I know how to give her the right attention. For example, Leilani does not like being in a group. For example, if an animation team is playing with the children at the campsite, my daughter prefers to sit on a chair next to it and watch. At the beginning I didn’t understand that. I thought: go participate, that’s fun, that’s part of it. Now I have learned that it works much better if I sit next to her and we watch what those children are doing together. Now I think: that is also possible.” The therapy has also helped daughter Leilani. She can now go to the toilet herself and does so with pleasure. “When she comes back, she’s really happy that she’s pooped. That is beautiful to see. We recently had a poop party. We made it a moment and ate a pastry because she can now poop so well on her own. This is what we as parents only hoped for. I am very grateful that it worked.”

Step-by-step

“I am so happy with the help we have received as a family. I now know that I am a good mother who is cheerful and spontaneous. The bond between Leilani and me is very strong. I am so proud of my two daughters. I still regularly visit a coach, but life is so different now than a year and a half ago. My husband and I both feel that we have more energy and can therefore do more things. It’s going step by step, but at least we’re making progress. I have every confidence that we will be all right.”

Luzette with daughter Leilani

Would you like to read more beautiful and recognizable stories from fellow moms? Subscribe now and receive Kek Mama first on your doorstep every month.