Kim Kötter and Kirsten Schilder about mom shaming and each other’s motherhood

Image: Kee & Kee

Girlfriends Kirsten Schilder and Kim Kötter adore their men, but they don’t want to think about having to do without each other. “I feel safe knowing she’s right next to me.”

Up close, Kim watched as Kirsten dived into full-time motherhood with the arrival of her children. “I loved and love seeing Kirsten take care of everything at home – for her children, for Nick, she really is the manager of the family. Sometimes I also found it difficult because I didn’t have that full focus myself, as a working mother. Still, I learned from it: I saw how Kirsten became her children’s best friend, how everyone always wants to play with them, and that’s why I know that – in addition to my own ambitions – I also want to be an involved, visible mother. Kirsten’s house is always full of children, she is a primeval mother, the more children the better.”

But one that regularly gives a snarl, Kirsten adds. “Unlike Kim, because she is always relaxed and balanced. Despite her hectic life, Kim is never grumpy or irritated.” Kim laughs loudly: “Just ask Jaap! It’s true that I don’t get worked up easily, but you don’t have to romanticize the chaos in our rush hour, you know. By the way, you taught me how to make it easier for myself. That, when I have guests, I don’t always have to cook myself – which I can’t do and for which I don’t have time. Kirsten taught me the art of ordering food.” Laughing loudly: “We did not yet know the word ‘caterer’ in Twente!”

Making Memories

Since Kirsten’s youngest daughter Jackie (6) is also at school, Kirsten has time for new things and is working hard on her own brand Making Memories, including a fill-in book for mother and child and soon a holiday book and a holiday quartet. The switch from full-time motherhood to a life in which there is more room for her own ambitions was ‘partly made possible’ by the help of her friend.

Kirsten: “That trip was the start of my own development and a better balance in motherhood”

Kirsten: “In 2019 I was able to join Kim on a trip to Aruba; I had never been away from my family for two nights until then. I had great difficulty with it and called Kim in tears from the car on the way to Schiphol. Kim kept repeating that I had made the right decision. It worked: once at Schiphol, the switch turned and it became a gigantic party. That trip was the start of my own development and a better balance in motherhood.”

Ambitions

Kim also thinks back on their beautiful conversations at the edge of the pool with a good feeling. “We focused on Kirsten and her ambitions, not Kirsten as a mother. That was necessary, because she ignored herself too easily and therefore no longer saw her own talents. Kirsten was wrongly very insecure, while she has an incredible amount of talent.”

Kim: “Kirsten was very insecure, while she has an incredible amount of talent”

It was time to let go of everything a bit more, says Kirsten. “The family and Nick have always been at the top of my list of priorities.
I felt comfortable with that for a long time, but now that all the children are going to school, I also put myself first again and make room for things I like. That is how Making Memories came about, partly by sparring with Kim. Every time I wonder: can I do this? Then there is only one that I call…”

She winks at Kim, who continues: “I was just hoping you would persevere and jump in at the deep end. I dare say you are happier than ever, is that right? In a way you may be busier than before, it visibly gives you a lot of energy to ‘get involved again’.”

Read also – ‘Going on holiday with a friend made me a bit happier about myself’ >

Mom shaming

Kim is happy that Kirsten has only recently been on social media. “Kirsten and I are both very sensitive to the tone of voice and sometimes people throw statements about your children or about you over the fence that make it feel like your throat is being squeezed – that damages a person quite a bit. I think you really attracted too much criticism.”

Kirsten agrees, but notes that she has never actually experienced mom shaming so far. According to Kim because she has already proven herself as a mother. “You have already ‘raised’ three children, what can they do to you? I experience that myself. With your first baby, people think you need to be “raised.” That’s fine, as long as it’s communicated in a respectful manner. In that respect I am part of the parenting police: if someone is rude, I address them about it, that is not how you treat people.”

Compliments

Kirsten proudly nods along with her friend. “Kim is so successful because she is so authentic and passionate about everything she does and initiates. The fact that she is also such a sweet mother, nice wife and attentive friend makes her special. I am very grateful that you are in my life – that is more important than any negative reaction, isn’t it?”

Kirsten: “I’m very grateful that Kim is in my life – that’s more important than any negative reaction, right?”

Kim gives Kirsten a hug. “I also love seeing you as a family. To see how in love you and Nick are still with each other – that’s truly unique in an existence where you can quickly live past each other. I love how Nick and the kids collectively encourage you as you walk new paths. And I’m glad you finally go away for a night with Nick every now and then, it took a long time!”

Finally, the girlfriends plan to meet more often with the men in 2023. Kim: “Jaap and Nick also run into each other a lot and now see each other almost more often than Kirsten and I… that can’t be the intention. We are going to do something about that.”

The whole article is in Kek Mama 03-2023.

87% of mothers in the Netherlands have to deal with mom shaming, according to research by Kek Mama. The editors found this so shocking that they started a campaign: Kek Mama launches mombracing, the counterpart of momshaming, and calls on all mothers to support each other instead of criticizing from now on.

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