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‘In two years I secretly spent forty thousand euros through it’

“I thought: I’ll pay it back at the end of the month. It was the first time that I transferred money from our savings account to my company account. ” Birgit (39) can hit himself on the head afterwards. “Because of course it didn’t stop with that one transfer.”

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In 2014, she founded her administrative sole proprietorship – she was sure it would be a success. “My boyfriend was excited that I quit my well-paid job, but supported me. The market asked for it, I had years of experience in the industry and privately we were not dependent on my salary. ”

Startup issue

Things didn’t go as smoothly as she hoped. “Startup issue, I guessed. The fact that more money was spent in the first year than came in, I kept to myself for a while. More customers would automatically come. ” Stupid, she says now. “Because if I had been straightforward, we might have had a fight, but then we could have looked for a solution together. Can agree on how much we would invest in my business.

Now, without saying anything, I have spent two years chasing through our entire 40,000-euro savings bank to continue to pay my contribution to the mortgage. Very hypocritical, of course, because my friend eventually paid that contribution himself. ”

Day dream vacation

Goodbye sloop, for which friend had saved so long, day dream vacations with their six and eight-year-old sons. “My friend found out by accident, too, when he looked at our savings account musing about that little boat. I can’t blame him for his anger. I cheated on him for two years and deprived the whole family of a dream. For nothing, because I closed my business six months ago, almost immediately after his discovery. I am now back in paid employment. Our relationship has been freezing ever since. Even if my friend would want to leave me, we don’t have a cent reserve to pay for a move.

Arguing topic

Money comes first when it comes to arguing topics. Far above the education of the children, parents-in-law, jealousy or sex. In fact, according to the NIBUD (National Institute for Budget Information), almost two thirds of couples regularly to often argue about finances. Birgit: “I spent months awake from the financial misery into which I secretly plunged. I kept hoping that the orders would pour in. I was ashamed of my failure to agree with my friend that he had his doubts when I quit my job. I found that humiliating, but the loss that I am now suffering is many times greater. ”

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Annabel’s boyfriend (41) also presented his financial situation a bit more rosy when he met her through a dating site. Annabel: “He is an erudite appearance, as they say. Tailored suit, eloquent, a small car but I thought that was funny. The first weeks he paid everything. Pushed my wallet away when I reached for the bill, arranged tickets to the theater; he pampered me completely. ”


Until the cloud of love began to lift a bit, and the reality became more and more clear to Annabel. “The dinners decreased, more and more often he suggested simply watching a movie at home. And the air conditioning of that little car turned out to be broken for more than a year. ” She was warm, also thanks to her ex’s alimony. He eventually confessed that he had to pay a lot of maintenance, lived in an overpriced apartment and had disappointing business figures. He couldn’t afford those dinners at all. “The bottom line is that my ex is now paying for our romantic dinners, because now I throw my credit card on the table.”

Attractive is different

Attractive is different, says Annabel. Just like most women, by the way. According to research from online dating agency Elite, the income of a partner is important for 65 percent of women. For men, this would apply to only 16 percent. For 34 percent of women, marriage wouldn’t even be an option if someone has a lower income than them.

“I hate that he acted differently,” says Annabel. “Also don’t know if I would have continued the relationship if I had known this at the beginning. I already have ten and twelve year olds to take care of, I don’t need to care for a grown guy. Winter sports, a weekend away when we don’t have the kids; so cannot. I had finally regained my freedom and freedom of movement after my divorce. Now I am bound hand and feet again due to the lack of money of my new friend. That’s what I do: I’d rather continue on my own, with my children. “

Bottom in sight

Not that money worries are easier when you’ve been together half your life and have given birth to three children. Josine (33) has to contribute to the family income since her husband’s business is going downhill. But no job can last them longer than a few weeks, while the bottom of the household pot is increasingly in sight.

“I never really worked after my training. I took care of the children and the household while he made the money. With such a meager resume, jobs are not there for the taking. I gave it a try as a postman and in home care. Jobs below my level. That didn’t really help. ”


The tinkering with jobs is not good for their love life: “I am disappointed that my husband is unable to make his business succeed, he thinks I’m a loser because I mess around with jobs.”

She recently started working as a branch manager, this time with a better chance of success. “The environment is nice, the salary is reasonable. Hopefully that will contribute enough to start our lives again. I do not want to think that we are not making it financially and are forced to sell our house. I don’t know if our marriage would survive that. And perhaps worse: I have to conclude that I apparently derive part of my love for my partner from the contents of his wallet. ”


Wendy (38) is annoyed by her husband who is rather casual with money. They bought a nice house when the future was still bright, but then the recession hit. Both lost their jobs three years ago. Don’t worry, they quickly found a new one: he full-time, she three days a week. Their income declined, while they now also have a child.

Wendy: “We had calculated that our son – he is now two years old – would incur extra costs. I find it annoying that my husband does not care at all about our meager finances. He happily continues to shop at the expensive organic supermarket and buys a surfboard from our last cents because it seems like such a fun new hobby to him. No water nearby, by the way, and that cart to transport the shelf has yet to be purchased. And I only turn around dimes, while I also want to do something about my hopelessly outdated wardrobe. ”

Communication issue

Somehow Wendy also finds it endearing, when a man with bags full of top prize items starts the weekend. “I’m the health and cooking fanatic of the two of us, he tries to encourage me to do so. But I only buy house brand stuff, he comes home with expensive almond flour. He just doesn’t really care, finances – and certainly not what I think about it. I’m afraid it will break us up one day. ”

Well, according to relationship experts, that is often the real reason when a relationship crisis seems to be about money: the lack of communication, equality or trust that lies beneath it. Wendy: “For us it is really a communication issue. I don’t understand anything about his impulsive purchases, he in turn thinks I adopt myself. Says, “We can still pay the bills, right?” I prefer to build a buffer, so that the three of us can go on holiday for another summer, and he can rent a board there. ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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