“I think it’s best one thing, taking care of children who are not yours”

In most fairy tales or Disney movies, it’s crystal clear: the stepparent is always the villainie, the bad guy. The stepmother is already a cunt from the start, who has elevated psychological abuse to an art.

What an example, actually, for children. There is an immediate misery attached to that role. As a neighborhood mom’s bonus/stepson said: stepmothers are witches.

Being a bonus parent: sometimes it’s just a tough job…

Package Deal

Actually, I was never that much into it, with stepparents or the whole load of that word. My parents are happily married and have been together for 47 years, so I’ve never had to deal with a step parent myself. When I got divorced and Nils came into the picture, I slowly introduced him to my children and eventually he moved in with us. That went very well, he had a clear click with the boys. But once he lived with us, he also became part of the family. That happens when you come to live in a house where children are running around. Then you can think as a new partner: ‘Interesting, I’m not interfering with anything…‘ But it does not work like that. If you choose someone with children, in fact you also choose those children. If you don’t want that, then you shouldn’t start the relationship, because the children are part of it. I assume that the partner with children always makes that clear at the beginning (if it is correct). If you choose me, you get a package deal. Children included.

Less patience

I think it’s quite a thing, taking care of kids that aren’t yours. When I look at myself, I notice that I have much more patience with my own children than with other people’s children. I don’t know if I could take care of a new partner’s kids almost full time. In any case, I would consider it quite a task. That is why I have sacred respect for people who do choose to do so and who also do it very well.

Not obvious

My ex and I have a visitation arrangement and he doesn’t exactly live around the corner. The boys are with him two weekends a month. That’s totally fine and I wouldn’t want it any other way, but the center of gravity is therefore with Nils and me. With us they have to go to school, they have to get up early, they have to train and play football matches. Here they have to go to bed on time, eat healthy, do homework (if they get that once in a while) and they have to deal with many more rules and agreements. That provides structure, but that also ensures that Nils – whether he likes it or not – has quite a few educational tasks thrown into his lap, because he doesn’t leave it all with me. He helps me with everything and dares (always in consultation with me) to address the boys if there is something. He stands along the line when football is played and he regularly prepares the bread trays for school. If a bicycle needs to be repaired, he will do it and he lovingly put together a new bed for Miles. It only makes me love him more, because that selflessness isn’t that self-evident.

Also read: ‘Having another child at a later age: with the first I was 28 years old, now I am 39’

Thankless job

The boys are a bit close to puberty, which means that occasionally strange words are thrown over the table or boundaries are being pushed. Nils also has to deal with that and that is not always easy. The comment hasn’t made it past here yet, but I’m sure it will at some point: “What are you meddling in, you are not my father!’ Probably a very recognizable one for stepparents and a very painful one at the same time, because sometimes you have been in children’s lives for a long time and you do your very best to be a good, substitute parent. In that sense, being a stepparent can sometimes be a bit of a thankless task. You get quite a bit of shit on your plate with those kids and with a bit of bad luck they also throw a comment like that at your head.

Ode to bonus parents

Dear stepmother / stepfather / bonus mother / bonus father (but just what you like), here’s an ode to you. Because you take care of children who are not yours, but nevertheless do everything for them. Because you play a big role in their lives, because you love them and are there for them. When they are adults they will see that and hopefully with that comes the appreciation, they are still too young for that. There is no misery attached to your role, you are an example, even if you don’t always get those credits. One day the children will see it and they will be infinitely grateful to you. Hopefully, until then, you’ll see that they do try, in their own way. The question for help, for attention, if you want to be there for something. Looking for confirmation. A smile, a quick hug, maybe a peck on the cheek, or simply asking: do you like me? That way, a child shows that you matter, that they enjoy having you there and that your opinion counts.

I hope I express the appreciation enough myself, because a great partner – who is also a great bonus parent (and in our case also a very good father) – should absolutely be cherished.

Ellen is a counselor in secondary special education, an author at De Fontein publishers, mother of two boys (10 and 8) from a previous relationship and she has just given birth to a daughter with her new boyfriend. Read her previous columns here.