‘I felt like a bad mother when I bought something for myself’

Madelon (39), self-employed career counselor and mother of two sons aged 8 and 5, married to Ben.

“As an account manager in the pharmaceutical industry I had a good salary of about 4000 euros gross per month. And that was without the bonuses that came on top of that, ranging from a few hundred to sometimes a few thousand euros per quarter. I was the breadwinner at our house for a while, until my husband also got a good job as a helicopter pilot in the offshore industry, bringing in about 6000 euros gross per month. A generous income together, you can say that.

To spend

What did our money go to? We were huge savers anyway, which we both inherited from home, and set aside a large part of our money ‘for later’ – although we had no concrete idea what that ‘later’ would be. The study of our future children, perhaps. But at the time I could also spend it on myself. My closet was full of bags and shoes. Every time I came home with a new pair, my husband said, “Didn’t you already have them?” Then I could explain in detail why these were slightly different. I also went out for dinner with friends at least once a month and I regularly put an appointment at the hairdresser in my agenda, without thinking about it. I worked hard for it and was proud to do it.

Party

At our wedding in 2009 we didn’t save a cent, there was everything on it. And we spent over 25,000 euros on it, which is a huge amount here – we live in the north of the country, a lot cheaper than in the Randstad. We arrived in a helicopter, celebrated all day with eighty guests. They all ate and drank, some stayed the night and we partied late into the night on a fantastic, stately estate – it was just Dynasty.

working mom

When we had kids, my whole perception of money changed. I grew up traditionally, with a mother who didn’t work. That wouldn’t be the case if you were a mother. You stayed at home to take care of the children. At that time, you could even receive social assistance and you received a small allowance for staying at home. My mother had an unvarnished opinion about working women. She said, “They make a selfish choice and their children grow up to be gallows and wheels.” In other words, those kids never got better.

When I had our first son in 2011, I wanted nothing more than to be such a saint and stopped working immediately. It may sound old-fashioned, but at the same time I also liked taking care of my children full-time. I myself had always liked it that my mother was home. And hey, we could have missed it after all. My husband thought it was fine. “You should do what makes you happy,” he said.

‘His’ money

It did mean that from now on I had to use my husband’s money if I wanted to buy something for myself. And that turned out to be quite difficult: the moment I took the debit card from the joint account through the machine, I immediately felt a sense of guilt. A voice that said: ‘You can’t just live on his money’, after which I immediately stopped completely.

When I went shopping with my friends in Bataviastad, I would return with loads of stuff for our children – we had another son three years later – or clothes for my husband, but I never bought anything for myself. The only time I could condone spending my money at the Nike Outlet was when I needed new workout clothes because I back in shape wanted to come. That felt like a ‘good cause’. Nonsense of course, my husband had never said anything about it that I now shared in his income.

He didn’t notice either: we never really talked about this, because I didn’t tell you that. So I put myself in that role, in that prison. I just felt terribly selfish when I bought something for myself. A bad mother. Mainly perhaps inspired by my own mother, who once when I went to the sauna with friends said: ‘Just do it! Shouldn’t you go out with your husband instead of your girlfriends?’

Read also
‘I cringed at the thought of being with my child 24/7. Let me work’ >

Career Coach

My mood was bad. I was grumpy because I felt that I was completely effacing myself for my family, I no longer did anything that made me and only me happy. Also, I wasn’t a natural mother who got satisfaction from playing with a baby or playing with a toddler. I had to take matters into my own hands again and decided to get back to work, I started my own career as a career counselor.

Fortunately, my husband was completely behind me now. In the beginning, I mainly saw the balance of my savings account shrink, due to a lack of customers. But after a few months things started to take off and my company became more and more successful. At the moment I earn an average of 5000 euros gross per month. I’m too busy with work to go shopping endlessly, but I’ve learned to spend money on myself little by little – the first roll of licorice that I dared to buy for myself again gave me so much air .

In the meantime I buy everything for myself; from nice trousers for fifty euros to a bunch of flowers or a lunch in the city. It symbolizes the way I treat myself and take care of myself very consciously. It has made me a happier person. And a nicer mom. The boys may see me less now, but when I’m there, I’m all there.

If that makes me happy…

I once had big words about it with my mother. She actually thinks it’s ridiculous that I spend time and money on myself. Now I can let that go, apparently we think differently about that. But when I recently opened a $40 bottle of champagne on a Monday evening to celebrate a work success, my mother accepted my invitation to join me for a toast. I have the feeling that she also sees more and more that sometimes you just have to take it a bit. Also on other levels. For example, I sometimes give myself a day off and I spend the whole day in a jogging suit on the couch watching Netflix. “Are you still there?” my husband and children sometimes joke. My motto is: if that makes me happy, I should know that myself.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

More episodes from Bank Account? Every Sunday there is a new story on KekMama.nl. Read the previous episodes here.