‘I felt guilty because I love bdsm, but my husband responded wonderfully’

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Clair has been married to Bas for 25 years. They have three children: Floor (21), Ties (19) and Lucas (17). In addition to her marriage, Clair has had a bdsm relationship for twelve years. Her husband occasionally visits a swingers club.

“I have always had a good relationship with my husband, we have a great time together. Only the sex was difficult, because I didn’t really get aroused and never came. In the days when there was no internet yet, Bas bought a book with photos in it. Not a vulgar book, but with beautiful pictures of positions. I looked at the pictures and saw a woman tied to a bed. I felt something I had never felt before. We experimented with that a little bit, but that wasn’t quite it.

We had conversations about our fantasies. That was not easy, I found those conversations very difficult at first. But we did talk about it and decided to try a swingers club. In the beginning I found it exciting, but soon I noticed that it didn’t get me excited either. Swinger clubs are all about sex and lust, while for me it was more about the mental game, the power game.

bdsm

It wasn’t until around 37, after reading a lot about it and finally admitting it to myself, that I found out that I liked a soft version of SM. At least that’s what I thought until I found out it wasn’t just about the soft version. I felt so guilty about that. My kids were small, I realized I was different, my world turned upside down.

“He knew it wasn’t for him, but he wanted us both to be completely ourselves in our relationship”

Fortunately, my husband responded wonderfully. He has always been the one who took the initiative and suggested that I respond to an online personal ad. Bas knew it wasn’t for him, but he wanted us both to be completely ourselves in our relationship. I am grateful to him that I was able to invent myself in this way. I was full of judgments about myself, while he urged me to investigate.

Steady relationship

The first time I met my Master we only drank coffee. Trust is important in any relationship, but with bdsm it is essential. We gradually built up contact, via the internet and live meetings. Pushing boundaries, being able to be completely ourselves, it felt like coming home. The sensations I felt with him I had never experienced before.

My Master and I have been in a “steadfast relationship” for twelve years now. I never wanted to do anything with anyone else. We hit it off right away and we still have a lot of fun together. We even wrote an e-book together, 99 lashes, immersive bdsm fantasy. We are both very proud of that and we get wonderful reactions, but I can’t share that with anyone in my life besides my husband. I can’t talk to anyone about it. Even my kids know nothing. I sometimes regret that, because we had so much fun writing. Even now that we are writing our second book.

Read also – Lili practices BDSM: ‘I like being someone’s sex slave’ >

Good conversations

There are sometimes people who ask what is the secret of our relationship. I think in large part these are conversations about our deepest desires. It has been an exciting journey, I am grateful that Bas supported me in it. We have been together for a long time and we continue to grow together, can be completely ourselves. We are lucky that we have a good time together and that we have both been able to find our own complement. I have my bdsm relationship, my husband sometimes goes to swingers clubs without me.

“I now finally feel one whole, my two worlds are complete”

I now finally feel one whole, my two worlds are complete. But that took a long time, it went step by step. I have had good conversations with my husband and the doctor about it. Bas and I have always continued to do things together. We are now exploring tantra to see if we can get more out of it. Our children are increasingly going their own way. This means that we have to look for a new balance together. We have embarked on a new path, embarked on a new adventure, that’s how it feels.

I’ve long hidden my feelings and I hope by telling my story I can reassure other mothers if they ‘feel different’. That that’s okay. Dare to be yourself, and open to your partner. Know: it can be all there. You can be there.”

This article appears in Kek Mama 11-2022.

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