“From counters to chairs – if I can forbid my children to touch it, I will”

Image: Nine IJf

Mariëtte Middelbeek is a journalist and author, and a columnist for Kek Mama. She and her husband Erik have two children: son Casper and daughter Nora.

I have a fun game that I like to play in public places, and it actually comes naturally: parenting bingo. The mental bingo card consists of the things I say on a more or less daily basis that sometimes make me think: Is this just with my kids or are all those little pranksters as unhinged as my comedy duo?

Do not touch

For example, we were recently at an airport for a mini-break with the four of us. I suffer from a mild form of fear of contamination that becomes serious in airports. From counters to gates to chairs – if I can forbid my children to touch it, I will. With the highlight of course being the toilets.

“From counters to gates to chairs – if I can forbid my kids to touch it, I will”

Just as Nora moved her hands towards the glasses, I screamed, half hysterically, “DON’T TOUCH!!!” Only to hear a voice in the booth next to us less than a minute later: “I TOLD YOU DON’T TOUCH!!!” I had to laugh anyway. (The fact that Nora’s tooth fell out just then and had to be searched for on the floor is a bacterial nightmare I’d rather not think about, by the way.)

Speaking of the floor: fifteen minutes later I saw a cuddly rabbit lying at the gate, with a panicked father: “Do you know how dirty that is?!!” I smiled encouragingly at the man and mentally crossed off another box on the bingo card.

Read also – Mama has a fear of contamination: ‘I get acutely sick when I see a ball pit’ >

Bingo

That map is endless. In the city I caught my own classics from other parents: ‘don’t lick the banister’, ‘why are you eating stones’ and ‘what the hell is that in your mouth, bubblegum??!!’ I can also play bingo when visiting friends, because apparently I’m not the only one who says things like: ‘you can’t swipe on the TV’, ‘the couch is not a trampoline’ and ‘why are you eating out of the dishwasher? ‘

Not to mention the endless possibilities of markers. Most crossed off sigh: ‘fortunately it’s not a marker’. This bingo has an extremely calming effect on me. No, I’m not the only one, yes, all children do strange things and oh yes, banister lickers also grow up.

This article appears in Kek Mama 12-2022, available in stores from November 29.

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