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Ellen about the consultation office: ‘Has it become the norm, such cross-examination?’

With a new child in the house, everyone’s favorite comes into play again: the consultation office! Just before Sophia was born, my niece told me about her run-in at the health center because they questioned her breastfeeding. Furious, she was.

Everything was new at Lewis and I found the consultation office especially very useful. They had answers to my questions, the weighing moment was pleasant (because I had no idea if my breastfeeding was doing enough for the baby dike) and the male did everything according to the book. Fine, fine. Nothing wrong.

No patronizing, no interference

We lived with Miles on Curaçao, where they also have a consultation office, but that was slightly different. Usually we had to wait a long time (dude) and they always thought my father-in-law – who drove us up and down nicely – was Miles’ dad (omg). I was allowed to purchase the consultation bureau booklet (30 guilders) and the conversations usually went like this:

“Is he eating well?”
‘Yes, of course.’
‘Do you have any questions?’
“Um, no.”

Finished. Actually my style. No patronizing and no interference. If I needed help I could always call or come by, but Miles was my second child and they believed it.

Barrage

Then now. Child number three. Already at the first conversation I was given a folder about Solid Parenting pushed into the hands. ‘Don’t feel addressed! We give it to everyone!’ I shoved the folder back and thanked him kindly.

‘Okay! Very good! I think it could be very interesting for many parents-to-be, but I am thirty-nine and already have two children aged eleven and eight. It will work.’

‘You never know!’

The folder was shoved back at me. Good, whatever, no pressure at all. I put the folder in my bag. Then I got a barrage of questions about our family about me, about Nils and about my first weeks after Sophia was born. I left with a strange feeling in my stomach. Were they extra alert? Were all those questions normal these days? Has it become the norm, such cross-examination?

Crime

I forgot about the next consultation (maternity dementia, deadline for my last book, Sophia napping nicely and two children at home because of the Christmas holidays. The structure was a bit out of place). I got a call.
‘Ma’am, are you coming? Sophia should have been at the consultation office by now.’
The woman sounded like I had committed a terrible crime.
“Oh, cunt!” I also shouted (bad mom. BAD MOM!) ‘Completely forgot! I’m coming now!’
Long story short, it didn’t make sense anymore. It was an extensive consultation and I was already too late.
‘Extensive consultation?’ I asked. ‘
That was the last time, wasn’t it?’
Apparently now again. A new appointment was made and that was that.

The woman sounded like I had committed a terrible crime

On that new attempt I was well on time and was even able to feed for a while before I was called inside. Then the cross-examination started again. Very friendly and I really understand that they want to know how the baby is doing, but at a certain point I got the feeling that I had to justify myself because we fall outside the ‘ideal picture’. Divorced woman with two older children. Younger friend. New baby. No, we are not very ordinary. Yes, we are a loving family.

For half an hour I answered questions and at the end it confirmed my feeling from that first conversation, a month earlier. They may be monitoring the situation a bit. At least it seemed that way. Do I mind? Not in principle, it is good that they keep a finger on the pulse and there are certainly enough families where it is necessary. Babies are fragile and it’s their job to spot problems. On the other hand, what are they interfering with? What is it their business what our financial situation is like, how we live and whether Nils likes it all, with my two children and a baby. Sophia, meanwhile, was shitting loudly, so there was also some laughter. Happy.

Look, that they focus on the well-being of the mother – thumbs up. That could really get a little more attention. If the mother is fine, the baby is fine, I think. But is it normal these days for people to cut through the house situation like this? I didn’t recognize that from eleven years ago. Maybe that’s how it goes with the non-standard families and that’s totally fine, but it felt awkward to me. Measuring, weighing, pricks, all in order. Do what you have to do. Other than that we are happy, Sophia and the boys are doing great and Nils is a fantastic father. Actually, I think that’s enough to share with an agency like the consultation bureau. They just deal with it.

More Ellen? Follow her on Instagram. You read her previous columns here back.

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