Compliments your child: ‘I was convinced my daughter was going to make it’

My eight-year-old son and I are cycling home from a visit to a friend’s summerhouse. “Mommy, I thought it was a really nice day today,” he says enthusiastically. “Yes?” I say. “Nice to hear.” A few minutes later he says, “Good of me, isn’t it that I just said that?” Okay, I guess. People fish for compliments here. What could that mean? That I give him too little or too much?

Mediocre drawings

Undoubtedly the latter, if we are to believe Hans Teeuwen. In his show That then again from 2001, he wipes the floor with the fuss of parents with the qualities of their offspring. If his child were to shout, “Look, Daddy, I’m cycling with free hands!” he would say: “Don’t be fooled, it’s a tricycle.” If his son came home with an objectively mediocre drawing, he would shout, “What kind of shit is this? Hey, loser, a sun that smiles? A sun doesn’t shine, asshole! Oh, and that’s supposed to be Daddy? Yeah. Dad is the size of a house. Stop it!” But then Hans Teeuwen did not have a child himself. I bet that soon his fridge – daughter Nika is almost three – will also be full of drawings that are mediocre by objective standards.

Over-inflated ego

There are also more serious sources concerned about the many compliments we give our offspring. In his book The Narcissistic Ideal. Educating in a time of self-aggrandizement, psychiatrist Jan Derksen expresses his displeasure at the excessive praise of our children, which the current generation of parents would be guilty of. By keeping them out of the wind too much, we would not properly prepare them for the setbacks that are inevitably awaiting them, so that the first breath of wind blows them away. He encourages us to rein in our feelings of pride. ‘Because’, he writes, ‘one day your child will discover that another child is better at something than he is.’ And the bang against an over-inflated ego hits all the harder.

‘You are so cool’

Mare (37) is the mother of Wolf (6) and Sienna (1). She does indeed sometimes fear that her oldest child thinks she is the center of the universe. “This week he came down the stairs like a boxer recharging himself for a match, while I was giving Sienna a fruit snack. ‘There he is, the one and only… King Wolf! ‘ If a child of that age talks about themselves in the third person, isn’t that a little disturbing? And should I not blame myself for that? Because I often hear myself say: you are so cool. ”

He wasn’t that handsome either

“I think that, especially when they are still small, it is very difficult to look at your child objectively,” says Marijke, mother of Timo (9) and Jamie (8). “Parenting dazzles. When Timo was born, I was convinced that he was the most beautiful child in the world. When I now look back at the photos from the maternity period, I think: well, he wasn’t that handsome either. You’re kidding yourself a bit. However, some parents continue to do so for too long. ”

Gifted child in group one

Like the mother from my youngest son’s class who introduced her daughter as ‘gifted’ on the first parent evening in group one. She is convinced that her daughter’s crafts are highlights of art history. According to mom, the girl also excels in every sport. And recently she had her daughter tested for dyslexia, because in her eyes it is impossible that her child, with such a huge talent for languages, turns out not to be so adept at reading. The result was negative, but the second opinion has already been requested.

Blinded by parental love

Maud (41) did not make it as furry as this mother, but she also believes in retrospect that she was a little blinded by parental love in her eldest daughter Fay, now thirteen. “I was convinced she was going to make it. That she was chosen and the world would be at her feet. After all, she had everything with her? Her looks, two smart parents, a bilingual upbringing. When she asked for a sewing machine for her ninth birthday, I really, ridiculously over-stimulated her. I gave her the most expensive machine and beautiful fabrics. I thought everything she made was just as special and the whole world was allowed to know that. In my dreams I saw her walk up the catwalk after her own show to receive the applause. That sewing machine has been dusting in the shed for years. And her IQ turned out to be very average. Now I think: she must have kept up a facade for a long time to meet my high expectations. ”

Waiting applauding

Through harm and shame she tries to approach the gifts of her second child, seven-year-old Sven, in a more relaxed manner. Which turns out to be quite difficult, because which child of that age already gives away a complete show with an electric guitar? Now it is his father who finds it difficult not to praise his son’s musical talent. “I now know: it takes more than talent. You will get nowhere without commitment and perseverance. My friend would prefer to record all the music our son manufactures. I try to put it all in perspective. ” Yet Maud does not believe that you create little narcissists with an abundance of compliments. “When Sven had walked the dog for the first time on his own, we were waiting for him applauding. If you saw how he was beaming, I don’t think we’re doing anything wrong with that. ”

Never say no

Remedial educationalist Suzette de Bruijn doesn’t believe that either. She is keen to say that there are still many parents who find it difficult to compliment their child. Children with behavioral problems such as ADHD, which she often encounters in her Amsterdam practice, are often treated too negatively. “Those children are told all day long what they are doing wrong.” But in favor of positive parenting she is not. “Recently a client told me that she never says no to her child. I thought: how do you do that? You can reward good behavior, but your child must also learn which behavior is not accepted. If you are never banned for anything and are told all day long that you are perfect, you run the risk of breeding a future narcissist – a child who sees himself as the center of the world. ”

Self-esteem is healthy

And that is especially annoying for the children themselves, says developmental psychologist Eddie Brummelman, who works at the University of Amsterdam. He researched the development of narcissism among children between the ages of eight and twelve, the stage in which it can first manifest itself. “Self-esteem is healthy. That means that you are satisfied with yourself. As a parent you stimulate this with warmth, affection and attention. You can never give too much of that to your child. However, the problem with narcissists isn’t necessarily high self-esteem. The paradox is that they feel they have a greater right to things, constantly seek admiration, and feel better than others, yet are not always satisfied with themselves. If they fail to garner admiration, they would prefer to sink to the ground. That is very unpleasant. That is why it is important that parents and teachers recognize that behavior, so that they can adjust it. ” Because he wants to emphasize that: a personality is not set in stone. And it’s really not that a child who fishes for praise is automatically a narcissist in the making. “The predisposition of children also plays a role.”

Own child more special

His research did show that many children of parents who overvalue their child and shower them with praise, later show more narcissistic traits. What does that overvaluation mean? “Parents who do that feel that their own child is more special and has more rights than others. For example, they overestimate their child’s IQ. They say their child is familiar with a particular topic when it is not reasonably possible to do so.

Constantly performing brilliantly

In our study, they gave their child about 60 percent more compliments than other parents, for example when doing a math problem. In addition, they gave those compliments regardless of whether their child was doing well or not. He also discovered that parents of children with low self-esteem tend to hand out too many inflated compliments (“What an incredibly beautiful drawing!”). With which they achieve the opposite of what they want, which is to boost their child’s self-confidence. “Bloated compliments are counterproductive, especially in children with low self-esteem. This gives children the idea that they have to perform brilliantly all the time. As a result, such a child is inclined to avoid challenges, because it is afraid of falling through the basket. ”

Nonsense compliments

Marijke (39) admits that she was also guilty of, as she calls it, ‘nonsense compliments’. “Then, as soon as I got a drawing printed in my hand, I shouted: ‘Oh, how beautiful!’ And then my child said, “Mommy, you’re not even looking.” Actually, I did two things wrong: I did not immerse myself in the work and I did not listen to what my child thought of it. ” She now reserves compliments for the moments when her child is behaving nicely. “So I am no longer happy when my oldest has hung his coat on the hook. That is a rule he is supposed to know by now. But I do say that I am proud of him when he says that he helped a bullied boy by going to the teacher with him. Or if my son stops playing hockey when he sees that a teammate is lying on the ground with pain. ”

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Performance society

There is nothing wrong with positive parenting. But not every compliment is good. Showing genuine appreciation for the commitment to your child and genuine interest is more advisable than putting your child on a pedestal, says Brummelman. And: “You can ask yourself why you have this need to praise your child excessively.” Orthopedagogue Suzette de Bruijn does have a suspicion where this tendency comes from. “We live in a performance society. We all want the best for ourselves and our children. We are also easily afraid that others are better off. If your child does not excel at anything, it is actually a bit of a failure. We mainly share the positive outliers on social media. So we do post a photo of a child holding up a cup: ‘Look, first prize!’, But we rarely write: ‘My daughter finished last, but it was a great weekend’.

Down to earth truth

If your child really turns out to have an exceptional talent, you don’t have to suppress that of course. But perhaps it will accomplish more if you say, “He can keep up nicely,” than if you spread the word that he is a phenomenal footballer. That only puts unnecessary pressure on his shoulders. ” And sometimes there is nothing wrong with the sober truth, Suzette de Bruijn concludes. “Ha, I’m still grateful to my own mother for once telling me I can’t sing.”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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