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‘As long as my husband snores, we will sleep separately’

Sleeping separately, then there must be something wrong with your relationship Linda (47), mother of three daughters. Until she started to suffer more and more from her sleeping problem. And an extra mattress in the living room proved to be the solution. “It’s because of me: I sleep very lightly. When I wake up at night, it takes hours to go back to sleep.

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My sleep is sacred to me: I feel terrible when I have had a bad night, very depressed. That’s why I get in early, while my husband prefers to watch TV until late. So we never went upstairs at the same time. ” When he tossed or snored at night, Linda would often lie downstairs in her practice room. “One night my husband suggested, ‘Shall I go to sleep downstairs?’ If he could fall asleep on the TV, he likes that. It was meant for a while, but we’ve been doing it for a year now. I recommend it to everyone.”

Separate bedrooms

Choosing the couch over your bed for once is not so strange; neither send your partner down because of snoring, a sick child or nightly irritations. But sleeping separately, most people find that a bit strange. Rich couples used to never share a bedroom – you only did that if your house was too small. Nowadays, we no longer link the idea of ​​separate bedrooms to prosperity, but to a bad marriage. If you no longer want to sleep side by side, that’s the beginning of the end. We think.

Yet there are many couples with separate bedrooms. There is even a name for it: SAT, in other words Sleeping Apart Together. There are no recent figures, but we do know that 33 percent of the respondents of a survey under Psychology Magazinereaders reported that they sleep better without their partner. In the United States, a quarter of couples sleep separately, in Belgium and the Netherlands 20 percent.

‘He snores heavily’

An American mattress manufacturer discovered that women in particular prefer to sleep alone. Anna (36) fully understands that: “My husband has been sleeping in his study for six years. Because he is too fat, he snores heavily. I slept badly because of that. Earplugs didn’t help and during the day we argued about it: he was angry because I kept poking him awake, I was cranky because of his sawing. Since we sleep separately, it is a lot cozier at home. I think it’s ideal. ”

‘He’s in bed like a starfish’

The man from Nicki (41) also moved to another room. “It was a combination of factors,” she says. “Our baby only slept through when she was lying next to me. In addition, my husband is a restless sleeper and comes home late from work. I often lie awake because of my daughter, I love it when I also wake up from my husband who is lying in bed like a starfish. ” Nicki’s daughter is now four, but still doesn’t sleep in her own room. Nicki doesn’t want to force that: “That will only happen if she wants to. My husband sometimes suggests it, but I believe that that moment will come naturally. ”

‘This is how the children feel safe’

Also Barbera (38) no longer sleeps next to her husband because of the children: a daughter of five and a son of eleven months. “It
has grown so. When I was pregnant with our son I often had to be hospitalized due to complications. Quite traumatic for my daughter. When she was sad, my husband let her sleep next to him, in my place. After the arrival of our youngest child, he sleeps with the baby and I and my daughter in the large bed. We sleep well, and the children feel safe. ”

Not just for sleeping

It’s great that everyone is sleeping so well, but the marital bed is not just there for sleeping. It is also the place where you have sex, spoon-spoon, have a good conversation, wake up together and the day begins. Anna: “I always say: if you have to have those hours for your relationship, something is not right. You can also have sex on the couch and we never chatted in bed anyway. ”

Okay, but when do you have sex, and most importantly: where? Anna: “Your bed or mine? we often say. After sex we doze in each other’s arms and then one of us disappears into the other bedroom. ”

Nicki sometimes gets out of bed when she hears her husband coming home. “Then we talk a little or we make love. Then I go back to my room. That is quite something, it is a bit like the old days when you still lived with your parents. ” According to Barbera, it has no effect on her relationship. “It feels the same between us, just with fewer arguments about snoring.”

Influence on the romance

The research by the American mattress manufacturer also proves that sleeping separately does not affect romance: of all respondents who prefer to sleep alone, 78 percent said they were completely satisfied with their relationship. Relationship therapists also agree that sleeping together makes you unhappy, do something about it. Sleeping well is more important than sharing a bed.

Linda totally agrees. “My sister asked: ‘Don’t you think it’s a shame that you can’t snuggle together at night?’ But you don’t lie together all night, do you? I wouldn’t sleep a wink. No lack of sex. My husband sometimes works at home, then we take a nice break to have sex. And otherwise it happens on the weekend. When the kids are home, we just tell mom and dad to go upstairs to cuddle. Then they know that they are not allowed to enter. ” Linda finds it extra exciting that you have to plan a lovemaking. “Precisely because it cannot be taken for granted. Nice, we’re going to do it again, I think when we go upstairs. Then I feel even more excited. ”

On holiday

Another practical point: the holidays. Because at home it is all best to arrange with some extra bedding and a mattress, but how do you do that in a tent or hotel room? Barbera maintains the home division: both parents sleep with a child. If there is only one room available, the whole family will sleep together. Linda’s husband is sleeping in the awning of the trailer tent. “We’ve tried it, but we’re just not used to it anymore.”

With Anna the old quarrels flare up immediately. “When he books a room for the two of us, I immediately ask if he wants to do something about his snoring. His irritated answer: “Then you don’t sleep well for the night?” To which I bit: “Or you stay awake overnight.” Usually he goes to sleep with our son, or we book an extra room. Costs a bit, but worth every penny.

“How long are you sleeping separately?”

Whether they will sleep separated forever – they have no idea. Barbera sometimes discusses it with her husband. “And then we always come to the conclusion that it is the best solution for the time being. Maybe one day we will all go to sleep in one room, with a separate bed for the children. My husband would already like that, but I think separate bedrooms are best for the time being because it is quieter. ”

Linda has no intention of sleeping together again. “But I would like it for my husband to have his own bedroom. During the week, a mattress in the living room is fine, but on weekends he is less happy if the children want to watch TV downstairs at seven in the morning. ”

Anna is crystal clear: as long as her husband snores, they sleep separately. “I don’t accept waking up three or four times a night. People sometimes look at me with compassion when I tell them, but for us this is the best solution. If you always sleep well, you may not be able to imagine it, but believe me now: sleep deprivation is hell. ”

Barbera also regularly gets surprised reactions: “Some people understand it, others think it is strange. I will never enter into a discussion: it is our home, our peace, our way of doing things. ”

Linda even kept it a secret for a while because of the negative comment. “I understood that people can find it strange. But now I think: why should I be sneaky about it? Sleeping separately says nothing about our relationship. On the contrary, since we are no longer in the same bed, it is better than ever. ”

This article has previously appeared in Kek Mama.

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