‘As if you are only allowed to deal with poopy diapers and lunchboxes’

Image: Kyra, HashtagK

Why is it that as soon as we find out a woman is a mother, we think it’s crazy that she’s sexy and talks about sex? For most of us it took community to create a child, so why as mothers should we stop talking about the deed?

I write erotica and opinions vary. A few are very enthusiastic, most people around me are somewhat reserved. It is still not ‘normal’ that you enjoy other things besides being a mother. As if a mother is only allowed to deal with dirty diapers, play dates and lunch boxes. People also have no idea what to expect, now that I suddenly talk so openly about sex. Fine, yes. You have to do what feels right for you. Whether you read secretly or talk exuberantly about what you experience in the bedroom, that’s your choice.

“What does your husband think?”

What I find difficult is the question of what my husband thinks of me writing about sex. It’s not that I write down exactly what we do together, so I don’t quite understand that question. And even if I did, so what? He especially thinks it’s cool and is as proud as a monkey with three cocks that my book will come out soon. Or the question of what my son must think later when he hears what his mother writes. Well, I hope he’s proud and 18+ when he reads the book, although of course he doesn’t have to read it. Having sex and enjoying it is important, I hope he can experience that later – when he is ready.

Learn to enjoy sex again

The sex is different now that we’re parents. My body has changed since pregnancy, which has forced me to find other ways – alone and with my husband – to enjoy sex and being intimate again. I had to learn how to do my mombrain turns off and how to feel sexy again. How we can really connect with each other again. Fatigue, broken nights and leaking nipples really didn’t help after giving birth. I couldn’t imagine ever having sex again. It also took me a while to find my and our way again. That’s okay.

‘I couldn’t imagine ever getting really happy again from a game of sex’

Being intimate is possible in so many more ways than a little penetration. Leaning against each other on the couch together is a form. Or dinner for two, instead of worrying about whether your child is eating well. In addition, rediscovering my power in bed since motherhood has produced beautiful erotic stories. And reading it to hubby can also be a form of intimacy.

Read also: Lilian: ‘I want to get rid of that guilt, the world also revolves around me’

Mothers also have sex

In short: mothers also have sex. Take a look at the schoolyard, along the sports field or in the supermarket. It would be a shame if all those people could no longer enjoy sexual experiences. No matter who you are or what you do, I hope you enjoy intimacy. Also, or especially if you are a mother. It’s a piece of and for yourself. Part of the relationship you have with your partner, an experience you share together. Sex is so much more than exercise. It can provide total relaxation and tranquility or just kindle a fire in you. It creates intimacy and connection between you and your partner.

“I hope you enjoy intimacy. Also, or especially if you are a mother’

Do what is nice for you

Dear mom, is it a little less exciting in your bedroom at the moment and are you satisfied with that? As a single mom, do you sleep with someone else every weekend? Are you happily married, but would you rather go fast for a solo round? Everything is good. What I want to tell you most is that you should do what feels right for you. Your sex life is your sex life and it is therefore up to you to do what makes you happy.

Lilian Finn (31) is an author, speaker and designer. She is married to Charles and mother of son Nox (4). She writes openly and honestly about what concerns her on LilianFinn.nl.

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