‘A vibrator from the cleaning bin gave my sex life a huge boost’

“About four years ago, Tristan and I were in danger of growing apart. He was struggling with a burn-out, became gloomy and turned in on himself. I focused entirely on the children. We did not share much with each other, lived alongside each other. There was still enough love to keep our family intact, but the thought of divorce also regularly crossed my mind.

Do you have to

Sex had become a must. In the beginning of our marriage, we still did it regularly, but that was less and less. And we didn’t do it at all in recent years. We snapped at each other, reproached each other. We avoided each other in the bedroom and bathroom. Were roommates rather than ardent bed partners.

I wanted to get that back, but didn’t know how. Tristan and I had been together since we were fifteen. Both the first and the only for each other. I actually had no idea what I thought was tasty and exciting. I come from a strictly Reformed family. Naked on TV was already not done, sex a taboo. You didn’t talk about that. That background also hindered me in bed. Sex was nice as a binder and we had three beautiful children through it, but I found the activity quite overrated. It wasn’t all that spectacular. In any case, the passion did not jump from us.

I thought using toys was strange and I would never dare to google on the internet for separate positions for the much needed variation. Once I had bought a vibrator in the clean-up bin at Kruidvat. At the checkout I apologized to the saleswoman: “It’s a joke, a gift for a friend.” As if I had to answer to her. But the thing disappeared in a drawer, I didn’t dare use it.

Time to let go

Until Christmas last year. Tristan took the kids for a weekend sledding in Germany. I stayed home and settled on the couch with tea and chocolate. Determined to have a Christmas movie marathon. But after a few of those romantic movies full of lovemaking, kisses and drooling I just got down. How I missed that feeling of love! At the same time I thought: yes, but you have this within reach. You have a wonderful man. Why don’t you put energy into that? Also when it comes to sex, I thought it was time for a change. I was in my 40s, high time to let go of all past dogmas.

That turned out to be the turning point. When Tristan came back the next evening and the kids were in bed, I told him to brush his teeth, spray on deodorant and wait for me in our bedroom. The night before I had explored with the Kruidvat vibrator and I had discovered which places excited me and what exactly stimulated me. Playing with that had already kind of put me in the mood.

Now I entered the bedroom where Tristan was waiting for me in disbelief. We started kissing, caressing and touching each other. It felt insanely good. Tristan didn’t know what happened to him, I was always so timid and reserved: what had happened to me this weekend? He just couldn’t keep up with me, I was that eager.

But flipping that switch was exactly what we needed. Because how different our sex life is now. Suddenly it has become very busy in the bedroom. We do it almost every other day. I can not get enough of it. Sometimes Tristan even wakes me up in the middle of the night for a quickie. A year ago he had been hit on the head for that, now I think it’s super exciting.

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Thanks to…

That vibrator – I have now exchanged the entry-level model for a more professional one – was still an issue for a while. Wouldn’t I rather have that plastic thing than Tristan? But no, I was able to convince him that I still wanted a real man. After all, a vibrator couldn’t kiss. But we owe it a lot: it taught me to enjoy lovemaking. Tristan is now also very good at making me come and puts me first in bed.

Looser

He still has to squeeze his arm. I have loosened up so much, so comfortable with myself. We joke about sex and talk about it, something we never did before. I am now the one who takes the most initiative and is in for craziness. I calmly send him a picture of myself in lingerie in bed with the caption, “Well what do you think?” I used to be terrified for too sexy a photo, now he has a whole collection of nude selfies of me in his phone. If I spend too long alone upstairs in bed on a Sunday morning, he texts: “Are you sometimes busy with yourself?” and I send back: “Well, you can’t keep up with me!”

Experiment

Sometimes he is afraid that we will wake up the kids with our sex, but I wave even that away. Then they only hear something. At least then they know that their parents have not yet died. Better than having to go through a divorce because their parents are tired of each other. I also say to my eldest daughter, who has just started taking the pill: ‘First go and discover, taste and feel. Please don’t hang on to the first one. ‘

I am overjoyed with Tristan now, but we should have just met a few years later. Then I could have experimented with others first and not have to have this sex dip. Fortunately we found each other in time and it is now better than ever. And all this by means of a vibrator from the clean-up bin.

This article is in Kek Mama 16-2020.

Would you also like to be interviewed for this column? Then you get a ‘fun package’ from EasyToys, including naughty toys, massage candle, lubricant and sex dice. Mail to kekmama.nl@dpgmediamagazines.nl.