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A mute button for your child and other things that make your life more bearable

We all make wishes sometimes. It just rarely works out. For example, winning the lottery. Running into Brad Pitt at the grocery store. To be praised for all the hard work you do. Come true? No? Shame. But it’s nice to think about things that would make our life as a parent just a little bit easier. They don’t exist yet, but who knows, this might help. Manifest a little, are you in?

You don’t have to think very hard to come up with a nice list. This is my wish list:

  • A mute button. To your child. And on basically every toy that possibly produces sound. If that button is in a remote control, it’s even better.
  • Tasty crustless bread. Because they eat scabs everywhere, except at home. With the emphasis on tasty, so not those pre-packaged slices of eight hundred euros that taste like cardboard.
  • Self-cleaning diapers. You also have self-cleaning litter boxes these days, so I feel like this innovation is close by.
  • Tiny nose pliers that won’t hurt anyone. To pull clay dinosaur paws, marbles and other grits out of tiny nostrils without hurting your child in the process.
  • The repeat microphone. Every sentence in the imperative he keeps repeating automatically: ‘Take your bag away. Brush your teeth. Put on your shoes. Wrong foot! Don’t wipe your hands on your shirt.” If no one is listening, this handy microphone repeats it just a little louder.
  • Apple syrup that does not stick. Ever find yourself cutting toddler hair with dull kitchen scissors at 7am? Then you want this product in your life. Apple syrup is just like wallpaper glue, so we need a non-sticky variant.
  • Automatic replies on Whatsapp. To give some context to friends without children, who complain that you never reply to messages anymore. This feature only exists for corporate accounts. Strange, because as a mother you are also a big organization. Some examples:
    I’ll answer later, my toddler has confiscated my phone and I don’t feel like throwing a tantrum so you’ll know when he/she is done with it.
    An answer will follow tomorrow, sitting with my hands in my hair waiting for bedtime.
    Thanks for your message. My hands are covered in poop/snot/vomit (choose as appropriate) and I don’t touch my phone again until they’re clean. So never. But we keep hope.
  • A cleaning robot. One that you can hang behind your butt and clean up every lost toy or spit sandwich for you, while you’re doing thirty-three other things yourself. Or a robot on wheels chasing your go-to-go kids all day long.
  • A babysitter who is always available and who never cancels. Not a thing. Well on the wish list.

Anyone have additions?

This story was written for Lara Steenvoorden and previously appeared on Me-To-We. Read more about what it’s really like to be a mother here.

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