‘A lovemaking lasts about three hours with us’

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Marjolijn (43), mother of a daughter (8), has been in a relationship with Hans (50) for a year and also has a tantric open relationship.

“A lovemaking lasts about three hours with us, but can also start at eleven o’clock in the morning and end at two o’clock in the morning. Since I have embraced the tantric lifestyle and no longer have arousal and orgasm as the goal, sex has become a timeless activity. It is primarily about the connection with each other. To look each other in the eye for hours, to say sweet words and to touch each other everywhere.

I have been with Hans for a year and we both enjoy tantrasex immensely. In our relationship everything is negotiable. It feels liberating to share my desires with him without being ashamed of it. How different it was with my daughter’s father. In my marriage, sex was extremely difficult. We only did it once a month at most. Certainly after the birth of our daughter, the level dropped. My ex was eternally tired. The story that men always have meaning did not apply to us. My libido was much higher and I was more inventive in bed. When I suggested a different position, my ex immediately rejected me. As a result, I kept getting disappointed and frustrated.

tantra sex

Once divorced, I went to investigate what was possible in the field of sex. I have always been interested in Buddhism and Hinduism – tantra is a nice addition to that. I think it’s a shame that tantra sex is often seen in a bad light in the media. Through #metoo and stories of teachers inappropriately touching students. A shame, because it is just such a beautiful spiritual lifestyle. It’s about much more than just sex. About touch, meditation, love, self-awareness, spirituality and embracing your femininity.

Huge click

I have attended a number of tantra workshops and festivals and feel at home in this world. I only meet nice people there, like-minded people. Including Hans. We first saw each other at a massage workshop and it was love at first sight. We didn’t ‘work’ together that evening, but we hugged each other at the end and exchanged numbers. After a lot of app contact, we agreed. And then there was that huge click. Especially in bed. We see each other every week and have sex. Sometimes several times a day.

Real marathon sessions can of course only take place on the days my daughter is with her father. Usually Hans and I plan the Friday evening for this. We burn candles, play calm music and start with a wonderful intuitive body massage. But sometimes a quickie in the sauna at his house is fine or a lovemaking in the middle of the night ensues when one of us wakes up and the other suddenly starts to caress intimately.

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‘Nothing has to be secret’

Hans and I have an open and free relationship. We may also have sexual intercourse with others. We do not only do penetration with other partners, everything else is allowed, provided you are honest about it. I have two men with whom I meet about four times a year. I met them at tantra workshops and Hans knows them too.

I don’t describe myself as polyamorous, because that assumes equal relationships. These men are not. Those two lovers are my warm perks. Good friends. But I’m not in love with them and they’re not in love with me. My primary love partner is Hans. The same goes for him the other way around. We are madly in love and we love making love to each other. It’s also not that we both want to sleep with someone else three times a week. It’s just nice that there is room to have sex with others or to text. Nothing has to be done secretly, it’s cheating with permission.

Although it is sometimes difficult. I can be quite jealous when Hans has a date with another woman. I usually pronounce that too. I do make sure that I keep it to myself: ‘I feel jealous, I’m insecure for a while.’ Hans understands that and then reassures me: ‘You are my number one darling, don’t worry.’ Often that is enough to take away my insecurity and to wish him a nice evening with his mistress with conviction.

Surprise

Incidentally, that penetration is not entirely correct. Last year Hans surprised me with a trio. Then I am all the way gone, but under the watchful eye of my friend. Earlier that summer, we had met Pierre, a nice Belgian man, at a spiritual festival. There was a huge sexual tension in the air between the three of us and we fantasized about how we could ever do something about it.

I had more or less forgotten about the meeting when we drove to France for a week last fall. Just across the border we were stopped at a gas station by none other than this Pierre. We went to have some food and drinks with him and then drove to his house above a yoga studio. There the men expressed the wish that they would like to massage me together. At first Hans and Pierre were not bi-curious at all, but in the course of the evening they also intimately caressed and kissed each other. It was a really special experience that Hans and I often talk about. Definitely worth repeating and a great example of what is still possible in our relationship.”

This article was previously published in Kek Mama.

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