‘A gift after childbirth should not be an obligation’

Image: Cynthia’s photography

We are a week further and the little lady is still nowhere to be seen, the hold is still on. The whole impatient thing is actually gone, it now feels more like: she stays forever.

The autumn break is over, which in itself is a shame. I had allowed the boys extra time with their sister on their days off, but she decided differently. In any case, time for a little research in between.

bar gold

My niece recently gave birth to a healthy son. We were on a baby shower and my sister made a comment about the beautiful necklace she was wearing, with the initials of her children on it.

“Bar gold,” she said. She had to put in a little bit of effort, but she was very happy with it. bar gold? My interest was aroused. It was a term I didn’t know. A little googling taught me that it is a present that women (usually) receive from their partner after she has given birth. Often it concerns jewelry, but that is not necessary. It would be a token of appreciation and thanks for ‘everything’ she endured during pregnancy and childbirth. Hmm… okay.

From carpaccio to earrings

So I have two sons and twice got no ass. Yes, beautiful children, but no bar gold (or anything to that effect). I didn’t even think about it then. My sisters and best friend also got nothing. Today I decided to put it to the test and asked a lot of women in my area and on my social media if they had received anything after giving birth. Some of the answers:

• ‘Nothing at all’
• “I had a child and hemorrhoids. But my husband was otherwise very sweet.’
• ‘A big turn’
• ‘She wanted carpaccio’
• “A bear with a baby bear on his lap.”
• “Don’t give a damn!”
• ‘He just laughed really hard when I mentioned it…’
• “Not a ‘real’ gift, but I’ve been getting coffee in bed every morning since then.”
• ‘A fillet American sandwich!’
• ‘Nothing’
• ‘No turd’
• ‘Earrings, for all three deliveries’
• ‘A Range Rover Evoque with a nice bow around it’
• ‘A watch. I’ve been wearing it for 36 years.’
• “A Dyson hair dryer. He was so proud and wanted me to feel beautiful again.’
• ‘A self-designed jewel’

Also read: Mothers share their story: this was the difference between the first and second birth

small gesture

In any case, there are relatively many women who have received a piece of jewelry. Apparently that’s what bar gold is for most. It’s a nice idea for sure. A piece of jewelry is something permanent and it reminds you of your pregnancy and your birth. It is also something that you can pass on to your children or grandchildren. My own mother got a necklace and a ring when I was born (and I don’t think anyone knows where they are), my two sisters gave her nothing. My mother-in-law got a beautiful bracelet with Nils engraved in it when he was born.

I’m not quite sure what I think of that bar gold yet. It seems to me that it is about a certain appreciation, a sense of pride. I don’t think that needs to be expressed in a gift (and certainly not in an outrageous gift or something luxurious). A sweet card or a note will do, right? I think for many women it is enough that the partner thinks about it – in one way or another. So yes, with that cup of coffee in bed. A nice sandwich, a post-it on the fridge: I’m proud of you. Whatever, something like that. It doesn’t even have to cost anything.

No obligation

Baargoud is a wonderful gift, it is a memento of a special time and of course I would love it if Nils could arrange something (Hi dear. If you are reading this, you know what I like), but is it really necessary? As a woman, are you disappointed when your partner doesn’t think about anything? Would it be a setback?

I had to think about it for a while, but for me the answer is no. A gift after childbirth should not be an obligation. A partner can be grateful in many ways, it’s about the feeling and the emotion behind it.

And we go back on hold again. See you next week, hopefully with baby!

Ellen is a counselor in secondary special education, author at De Fontein publishers, mother of two boys aged ten and eight, recently divorced and expecting a daughter with her new boyfriend. Read her previous columns here.

Would you like to read more beautiful and recognizable stories from fellow moms? Subscribe now and receive Kek Mama first on your doorstep every month.